For the Record...

I love cooking.  Cooking for me must be what writing a song is like to a musician, painting a picture is like for an artist, what dancing is like for a dancer.  It's exhilarating.  It's frustrating.  It's hard.  It's fun.  It makes me smile, and it makes me wanna throw shit across the kitchen.  I get to use my hands and have many different instruments to choose from.  I get to get down and dirty, sticking my hands in squishy, soppy things.  I get to create.  I get to manipulate.  I get to saute, puree, flambe.  I get to indulge.  I get to smack things, beat things, roll things, cut things, flour things, bake things, stick my hand inside things.  It's absolutely amazing and I love it.   

Do I want it to be my job?  Not in a million years.  I am often asked, "Why don't you go to culinary school?" and I quickly reply, "Because I'm already $80,000 in debt from Undergrad and Grad school."  Then I'm asked, "Well why don't you just get a job in a kitchen and go from there?"  And my response is, "Because I have no real experience in a formal kitchen, besides the occasional make-a-platter-look-pretty move, or make a cheese river for a buffet table (I gotta thank my buddy Julien for teaching me that one), or garnishing things, so why would any chef hire me?"  Or, "I'm only experienced to work in a place like Chili's or Applebee's...both places I despise, so no thank you."  The other one I usually hear is, "You missed your calling."  Hey thanks...that's exactly what I need to hear.  My life is now wasted because my calling has been missed.  I guess I should just wait for my demise, and throw in the towel, because I have already missed my purpose in life.  

Here's how I feel about cooking.  It's therapeutic.  Smashing a clove of garlic or pounding out a piece of chicken is good for the soul.  Turning something I've never even heard of into a surprisingly delicious dish makes me proud.  I love to cook.  The more you cook, the better you become at cooking.  I used to never stray from a recipe.  Now, I whip up my own creations all the time and they are GOOD!!  I find that I love my food so much, that eating out has become less attractive to me because I am uber-critical about the food I encounter in restaurants.  I find that often, I can do it better.  I can taste the difference between fresh and frozen.  I can tell if you opened up a bag, poured its contents into a bowl, melted cheese over it and passed it off as $9 French Onion Soup.  I can tell if the woman or man in the white uniform and funny hat in the back loves or hates their job just by taking that first bite.   

I love to try new things.  I can't eat the same piece of chicken everyday.  I hate leftovers.  I just want to create things.  Things that I'm not responsible for for the rest of my life.  Things that I can eat after I create them, or throw away if I don't like them.  Cooking is my hobby.  The minute I turn it into a job that consumes me and makes me hate it, is the minute I'm no longer interested.  Capish??

Frittata - It's What's For Breakfast, Lunch or Dinner, really

We have these awesome little produce stores all over Memphis called Easy Way (beware the cheesy song that plays on this website).  They have mostly local, and sometimes regional produce, honey, cheeses, meats, etc.  There's one that's 1.8 miles from my house.  So the other day a friend and I decided to take a walk to Easy Way, grab something that inspired dinner, walk back home, and indulge in dinner with no guilt!  What I found was delicious looking asparagus and this Amish made, grass fed, Swiss Cheese from Troyer Farm in Millersburg, OH (might be one of the best things Ohio has to offer).  So Here's what I made:

Asparagus, onion & Swiss frittata

For those of you who may not be familiar with a frittata, it's kind of like a quiche, without crust.  Or it's a big old omelet pie.  Start with a non-stick, broiler safe pan.  This is probably the most important thing.  Then, all you do is you cook whatever you want inside your frittata, I went with Asparagus and onion because I was feeling vegetariany.  But I've made meat frittata's that are just as delicious.  But you can literally do whatever you want, eggs make a great canvas. 

Beat 4 eggs and add in a little milk...I just use a splash, maybe like 2 tablespoons.  Once your meat is cooked, or your veggies are tender, but not overcooked...never overcook a vegetable, add in your eggs making sure they are evenly dispersed in the pan...not hard to do with a liquid, but sometimes you get a little greedy with filling and you have to force your eggs to break the levee of meat that you have built in your pan, I'm well aware of this phenomenon.  If you're using cheese, sprinkle it over your veggies/meat/egg mixture now.  Add salt and pepper and whatever other seasonings you like.  Cook eggs over medium low heat for about 8 minutes. 

At this point the bottom of your frittata will be cooked, but the top will be a little jiggly.  So now is the time to put the frittata into the broiler for about 2-4 minutes...but I never trust the broiler, so I sit on the floor of my kitchen and never shut the broiler door.  I obsessively pull the pan in and out, over and over, time after time to make sure I'm not burning my eggs or cheese or bread, or whatever I am broiling.  So do as I freakishly do, or just trust your oven and hope for the best!  Your frittata will puff up and start to look brown and beautiful.  Shake the pan gently.  Once you get no major jiggle from your eggs, you're done.
    
Here's the hardest part.  Getting the frittata out of the pan in one piece.  Go around the rim of your pan with a rubber spatula.  Take a cutting board and place it on top of your frittata...say a kitchen prayer...mine usually goes like this..."Please let this fucking work"...then flip the frittata pan so that...HOPEFULLY your frittata comes out in one piece onto the cutting board.  Cut that baby up like a pie...serve with fruit or potatoes for breakfast, with a small salad for lunch or with a bowl of soup and a glass of wine for dinner.

Tomatoes or Tequila...

This recipe was inspired by my good pal Ina Garten.  I really do love her, despite my recent post!  I just think she'd be a lot cooler and less stiff if she did one too many shots of tequila, danced naked on a table and threw up all over herself. That woman needs to let loose for once in her life! :-) 

Anyways, here's a great recipe that makes a delicious lunch or a quick snack.

Here's What You Need:
1 juicy, ripe tomato sliced into 1/2 inch thick pieces, don't even attempt to use an unripe tomato here.
1/2 cup of kale pesto, it might be time for an intervention with this stuff...I'm totally addicted to it.
1/2 cup of Parmesan cheese
Olive Oil
Salt & Pepper

Here's What You Do:
Preheat oven to 400.  Arrange your tomato slices on a baking sheet.  Drizzle them with olive oil and salt and pepper them.  Bake for about 10 minutes.  Take them out of the oven and top each tomato with a generous helping of pesto (I assume you can use whatever kind of pesto you like, basil, arugula, etc.)  Sprinkle each tomato with Parmesan cheese.  Put the tomatoes back in the oven until the cheese gets melty and brown and bubbly. 

Once that happens, take them out of the oven, and lightly salt again.  Enjoy!  And look, if you're underage and reading my blog, I do not condone underage drinking.  Nor do I condone doing one too many shots of tequila, no matter what your age.  Trust me.  You'd be better off playing in traffic, getting hit by a semi and being in a coma for a week than to have to deal with a tequila hangover.  So, I'd advise you to stay off the tequila and overdose on these tomatoes instead.      

What Can You Do With A Can o' Cannellini's?

Here's a quick and easy, and healthy side dish that you can whip up in 5 minutes.  Open a can of cannellini beans (I always have a can of these, a can of black beans and a can of chickpeas in my cabinets - they all three make quick and easy sides dishes or munchies).  Rinse them and drain the water off them.  Put them in a bowl.  Cut up whatever aromatics you have on hand, I just happened to have vidalia onion and basil, and add them to the salad, though I think red onion would offer more bite and contrast.  Add in whatever veggie you have in the fridge that is about to go bad soon, I used tomatoes, you could use spinach, asparagus, arugula, peppers, cucumbers, etc. and add them to the bowl.  Now toss your salad (giggity) with olive oil and red wine vinegar or whatever vinegar you prefer.  Salt and Pepper.  Thank me later. 

I served mine on the side of a chicken Milanese (which is really a fancy way to say fried chicken breast that is thinly pounded, seasoned, floured, dipped in egg wash and then coated with seasoned breadcrumbs with parsley and Parmesan, then fried in a skilled in olive oil, about 3 minutes per side, then drizzled with freshly squeezed lemon juice)...this is a quick and easy dinner...and if you MUST be a total health freak, you can bake the chicken for say, 15 minutes at 350...but I personally like mine pan fried.

Cockroach of the sea, my ass...

The cockroach of the sea is ok by me!  I will eat lemony, garlicky, buttery lobster off of the back of a hairy, fat, sweaty man, for a mere $20 bucks.  I kid you not.  Present me that situation and I will have a belly full of lobster and a pocketful of Andrew Jackson. For crab legs?  I'll do it for free.   So when I saw these lovely little Nicaraguan lobster tails at a dirt cheap price (I know, I felt a little dirty paying so little for these things, considering what the fishermen go through to catch them), I had to grab 'em.

Lobsters are odd little creatures.  If I found one in my house, I'd be up on the counter with a broom, screaming bloody murder!  They are ugly.  They have many claws and strange little extremities.  But they are tasty.  Back in the old days they were so abundant and so unwanted that they were fed to prisoners and slaves.  Prisoners begged to be fed something different.  I guess too much of anything can get old...quick!  Luckily for me, I only eat lobster maybe once or twice a year.  So it's a real treat when I do.

Here's how I did it:
I got my grill ready by adding charcoal to my chimney (one of the best grilling utensils I own - no more disgusting lighter fluid taste - hooray!) and lighting it.  I cut off all the weird little arm-like doohickey's (I can't believe that's an actual recognized word - doohickey!).  Then I cut the tail right in half, making sure to leave the very tip in place (scissors worked much better than a knife).

Then I melted some butter and made some garlic into a paste by smashing my knife over it, until it was....well, pasty.  Add salt and pepper to the lobster and brush garlic/butter mixture over the raw flesh.  Empty your charcoal when it's ready and oil your grill grate so the lobster doesn't stick to it.  Slap those bugs on your grill and cook 4 minutes per side...mine were pretty big, so just keep your eye on it.

 The lobster will be firm and opaque when it's finished cooking.  Squeeze some lemon on it and melt some butter to dip it in.  I served mine with sliced tomatoes and sauteed kale with olive oil, garlic and crushed red pepper.  mmm...mmm...sea cockroach!  

Ream On

 photo taken from Google Products

Instead of buying a lemon reamer.  Ok hold up.  Maybe I am a little strange, ok, I'm a little strange...but the word reamer just reminds me of some weird S&M device.  Oh, who am I kidding...look at that thing...it LOOKS like a weird S&M device.       

Anyways, instead of buying one of these freakish S&M toy-like items, use a fork.  Take your fork, stick it in your lemon half, squeeze the lemon around the fork and twist the fork.  It works WAY better than a reamer.   You'll get twice as much juice out of that baby.  I know, I know what you're thinking, "But what about the seeds?"  Just pick em out with said fork....Geez prima donna!   Save yourself some money and some kitchen drawer space and kick your reamer to the curb.  Because trust me, that clerk at Bed Bath & Beyond is a little uncomfortable with you asking him where they keep the reamers.  Oh, and that little massager that fits on your finger...they wonder what that's really about.  Don't act like you never thought about it...

Breadhead

 I was pretty freakin' proud of this little one

Bread.  Just hearing the word makes the aroma of freshly baking bread appear.  It's one of my top 5 favorite smells.  1. Babies, 2. My dad (when he's clean of course), 3. Laundry that my mom did, 4. The Ocean and 5. Freshly baked bread.  I've never met a bread I didn't like.  Ever.  Not pumpernickel, not rye, not Irish soda (though it may be my least favorite - no offense Irish folk, I'm Irish too, my great grandmother bottled Guinness in Dublin for Christ's sake, oops...no offense...Jesus, oh to hell with it all) I will most likely, at one time or another, offend you if you read my blog...so let's move on...and let bygones be bygones.

Back to bread.  My favorite of all breads is a crusty, flaky French bread with a soft, light, airy inside.  With butter holes built right into it.  I've done a lot of research on this bread and I've been discouraged to make it because I always read that I need to have a special type of oven that gets to 700 some degrees.  Or I need to have a certain type of flour imported from an unknown village in France.  Then there's something about sponges, water baths, etc.  It's like sitting in a calculus class and honestly, who would do that if they didn't have to?? That's why I prefer cooking to baking.  Less stress. 

Anyhow...I stumbled across a bread recipe on this blog, which I now LOVE, and I halved the recipe and gave it a go.  I didn't have a pizza stone, but I do have a ceramic unglazed deep dish pizza pan that I assumed would get good and hot, so I used that.  I also don't have a pizza peel, I just picked up my shaped loaf and stuck it in my pan.  And of course, today was the day my instant thermometer died, so I sorta just guessed when the bread was actually done.  Seeeee....baking isn't THAT technical after all.  And I was all worried!!

Regardless...what I came up with was a much lighter in color (I think I used too much flour, my dough was not nearly as goopy as his), ever so slightly undercooked, but DAMN tasty loaf.  In fact, this sucker didn't last more than 5 minutes.  There were four bread vultures in my house at the time.  Each one taking a different approach on how to eat theirs.  One went with the plain old white bread style.  Another simply buttered.  Another went with olive oil, salt and pepper to dip in.  And the fourth went the butter and honey route.  I'll never tell you which one I was.  And my quest to make the perfect loaf is not over.  I will pull a masterpiece out of my oven.  Wait and see...

Peanut Buttah Luvah!

I love ice cream.  If there's a sweet I crave on a regular basis, it's ice cream.  Usually it's ice cream sundaes.  Something about cold, creamy vanilla ice cream, smothered in hot, gooey chocolatey fudge, topped with salty, crunchy nuts, really makes my mouth water, my stomach growl, my knees quiver, you get the point.  But ever since I was a little girl, our freezer was usually stocked with chocolate peanut butter ice cream.  Not chocolate peanut butter CUP ice cream.  That stuff is no good.  Something about the frozen chocolate from the peanut butter cups just doesn't work for me.  Adds a filmy, greasiness to each bite that I just don't dig.  I'm talking about chocolate ice cream in all its glory surrounded by ribbons of frozen, peanutty peanut butter.  In the North, you can buy it anywhere.  In the South, you can only get it at Baskin Robbins.  In this bitch's kitchen, you can now find it homemade in my freezer, because that's how I do.  If I want it bad enough, I make it happen.  Now, on to the dreamy goodness that is chocolate peanut butter ice cream.  This recipe was inspired by THIS site.

Here's What You Need:

4 egg yolks
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder (I used Ghirardelli Cocoa)

2 tablespoons of Hershey's syrup
1 cup milk

1/4 cup of peanut butter, plus 1/4 cup more to add later (I used Jif Natural peanut butter because I'm just an au natural kinda gal)
1 cup heavy cream or whipping cream
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract 

Here's What You Do:

In a medium-size bowl, add the egg yolks and sugar; beat until thick and lemon colored, GENTLY (I'm serious about this step...you'll get cocoa powder EVERYWHERE if you don't listen to me) stir in the cocoa powder until you have a batter that looks like brownie mix.  mmmm....brownie miiiixxxx.  Have I told ya'll about my dream of bathing in brownie mix?  I'll save it for another blog.

In a small heavy saucepan over low to medium-low heat, add milk. Slowly bring milk just to a gentle simmer or until it begins to bubble around the edges. Remove from heat.

Gradually stir hot milk a LITTLE BIT AT A TIME (Again, I'm serious, or you'll have chocolate scrambled egg ice cream and who the hell wants that in their mouth?) into beaten egg/sugar/cocoa mixture with a wire whisk. Pour mixture back into the saucepan. Over low heat, stirring constantly (Not as constantly as you might think, but keep an eye on it so it NEVER boils), heat until the mixture (custard) thickens and will coat the back of a metal spoon with a thin film, approximately 7 to 10 minutes. On your candy thermometer, the temperature should reach between 165 and 180 degrees F.  Take mixture off the stove at this point and put it in a refrigeratable bowl.  Stir in 1/4 cup of peanut butter until it's melted in and place mixture, covered, in the fridge or freezer if you are impatient like me and wait until it's cooled to a balmy 65 degrees.

At this point you need your ice cream maker and I am lucky enough to have received one from my outlaws for Christmas (ok, ok, they are actually my inlaws, but the word outlaws just makes them seem more dangerous, more backwoods, I imagine them holding guns and wearing coonhats when I call them outlaws!).  Before you pour your mixture into your ice cream maker, stir in the cream and the vanilla.  Make your ice cream according to manufacturer's instructions.  Once you get your ice cream to the soft serve stage, put it in a freezerable, air-tight container.  Now, take your 1/4 cup of peanut butter you have leftover and stir it into the ice cream so that when it freezes you'll have ribbons.  Peanut buttery ribbons. Peanut Butter Ribbon Time, Peanut Butter Ribbon Time...  

Freeze for about an hour or so, until you just can't freakin' wait to plunge a spoon into that stuff....lock all your doors and enjoy!   

    

Hello Portabello

These little puppies are heaven in your mouth.  We discovered these last year.  We were having a cookout and my friend made the delicious Kale Pesto that night and we were all raving about how tasty it was.  So in my total brilliance of a self-taught, try anything chef, I decided that the kale pesto placed on top of grilled portabellos, stuffed with goat cheese would be amazing.  And I was right (I usually am).  These babies have everything to offer.  The meatiness of the mushroom, the creaminess of the goat cheese, and the zingy freshness of the kale pesto...makes for a most pleasurable eating experience.

Just add olive oil, salt and pepper to the portabello, wrap in aluminum foil and put on the grill for about 15 minutes until fork-tender.  Add goat cheese to the inside of the mushroom when they are finished cooking, and top with kale pesto.  You can do these steps however you wish, as long as they are all on there, it will taste good, I promise.  Top with more cheese if you want, or just eat those bad boys with goat cheese and kale pesto.  Cut into 4's for an appetizer.  This will please anyone.  Even people who don't like goat cheese.  Trust me, I fed it to people who were unaware of the goat cheese addition and they shivered in delight.  And then I told them it had goat cheese in it, and they shrieked at the fact that they loved it so much (Don't try this at home, maybe your guests are allergic to goat cheese...you never know...good thing mine weren't!)  So even you non-goat cheesy people, try it.  Do Not Be Afraid Of The Cheese Made By Goats!  Bah-ahh-ahhh!

Note: No guests were harmed during the tasting of these shrooms.

Say Hello To My Little Friend

You know Spring time is here when mud bugs make an appearance.  Yes, mud bugs as they are lovingly referred to in the South.  Those wascally widdle wabbits of fweshwater - Crawfish!  I remember when I was little growing up in Pittsburgh, me and a friend would catch these little suckers from a creek (or crick for you rednecks) in her backyard.  We called them Cray-fish up North.  Damn Yankees! 

Today, we boil 'em up with new potatoes, corn, sausage and Cajun spices for a delicious and extremely messy snack on patios all over the South.  Add cheap, cold beer, some amazing tunes and you got yourself a party.  Hyuh, Hyuh! (Oh - That's New Orleans for Here, Here).  

PS - Don't forget to suck their heads.  Mmm...mmm...good! 

Bite Me

Some of you may have noticed that my blog mainly features main dishes, appetizers, sides, salads, sandwiches, etc.  And being a BITCH in the Kitchen, you might think I'd have more of a sweet tooth.  You know how us bitches need our shuggah!

However, I am not your ordinary bitch in the kitchen.  I am your savory bitch in the kitchen.  I would much rather have a side of beef than a hot fudge sundae.  Again, it's that cave woman thing coming out in me.  I imagine if I was a cave woman, I'd be the one holding a club.  Bashing in the head of an innocent squirrel or rabbit.  And I would rock the hell out of my leopard print, tied-at-one-shoulder cave woman dress -- Wilma Flintstone style.  I'm just not much of a baker.  I'm more of a candlestick maker.  But I will learn.  Mark my words.

Here's something sweet and easy, because that's how this bitch rolls:

Here's What You Need:
Graham Crackers
Sherbet of your favorite flavor (I used raspberry) and here's a little something that annoys me...it's spelled S-H-E-R-B-E-T....so why do we all say Shure-BERT?  Who is this Bert dude anyways??  I bet that guy is pissed. 

Here's What You Do:
Spread some Sherbet on a graham cracker, top it with another cracker and savor the sweetness!

I learned this from a friend's mom in elementary school.  It's so strange the things you remember!  Here's to Bert...thanks buddy.  Enjoy!   

Bowla Granola

This is my most favorite breakfast as of late.  Get yourself a big old spoonful of Greek yogurt (it's just creamier and dreamier than other yogurt in my opinion), add some of your favorite granola to it (I used Nature Valley granola bars and just crumble them up), drizzle some good ol' local honey on top (eating local honey can help with seasonal allergies), add some raisins and your tree huggin' ass will be good and fueled for the next few hours!  And it's good to that tree huggin' ass of yours, will keep that thing firm.  So eat up! 

Pornographood

Every year or so, my mom and I try to take a mother/daughter vacation.  Mostly because I live 900 miles away from her, but am a total momma's girl, but also because we like each others company.  We've been to Vegas, where we saw the Cirque du Soleil show, The Beatles Love (a must see if you haven't seen it).  We ate at Bobby Flay's Mesa Grill and Wolfgang Puck's Spago.  We visited the Qua Spa where we enjoyed an Arctic Ice Room, which is sort of a steam room, except instead of steam, snow falls from above and it's.....well, freezing! We swam at the topless pool, though neither of us went topless, because we didn't have the balls, or shall I say, the fake tits, to bare our beauties.

We went to Chicago and saw the Blue Man Group (another must see - especially in the theater in Chicago), shopped the Magnificent Mile, though we couldn't afford to buy anything, ate at Smith and Wollensky's Steakhouse, and ate at our first Brazilian steakhouse Fogo de Chao, which is like being served meat by the meat mafia, a meat cartel, if you will.

But usually, we go to Orlando, because as many of you know, my mom is addicted to the Happiest Place on Earth - Disneyworld.  She literally wants her ashes scattered all over the place when she dies (and yes, I am currently writing a book about doing that).  In Orlando, we've eaten at Emeril's Orlando, as well as his other restaurant, Tchoup Chop.  We've been to every Disney park (minus the water parks...we always eat too much to squeeze our bloated selves into bathing suits and mingle with thousands of other barely clothed tourists) and the Universal Studios parks.  We even braved Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios, where we were both scared so shitless we literally left the park running and screaming!

Obviously, you see a theme developing.  We eat and we eat and we eat.  But luckily we go to places that require a TON of walking, so between eating, we hobble through the cities we're in so as to not have to buy bigger-sized clothing when we get home.  So here's the tale of our latest mother/daughter pornographood venture, in photos.  Pornographood photos.  Please make sure you look at these photos in private, as I can not be held responsible for any loud moans and groans, nor drooling you may experience.

 Cat Cora's Kouzzina, the Eco-tini on the right came with an Acai seed bracelet! I left my good camera in the car for this one.  The picture doesn't really do it justice, but there's grilled Greek cheese with lemon, oregano and capers at the top left and kalamata olives and two different types of olive oil, so fruity and tasty I could have done shots of it.

 Fisherman's Stew at Kouzzina - with clams, mussels, delicate, perfectly cooked fish and shrimp.  The broth is actually making me drool right now.  I seriously just closed my eyes and I could taste it.  It's the best I've ever had, made with Ouzo butter...OPA!!

 

The next day, we had reservations at the California Grill.  Above is what remains of the cheese board we had at the California Grill, I forgot to take a picture before we ate all the cheese.  But it came with the following cheeses: Seahive, Mt. Tam, Drunken Goat Cheese, Fromage de Affinois de Brebis, and Cambozola.  Then for accouterments (I just like saying that word, makes me feel so smart and French), there were candied macadamia nuts, pear jelly, honey with real honey comb, figs and olive bread.  I think my favorite was the Drunken Goat.

 Sourdough bread with sea salted butter.  Best idea ever - sea salted butter.  I would have been happy with just that!

 I can't look at this picture without licking my lips.

Beet Salad with Heirloom beets, fennel, citrus, spiced pecans, beet vinaigrette and goat cheese croutons.  Oh goat cheese croutons...where have you been all my life?

 A delicious take on Caesar Salad with anchovies and kalamata olives.

 Creamy Leek soup with lump crabmeat

 The Pornogra-PHOOD-iest of them all - Tuna 3 ways.  Poke (pronounced POH-keh, so don't go asking for tuna poke, or you'll look like an idiot), Tartare, and Tataki.  And that mound on the bottom left is a Spicy Kazan Roll with crab, shrimp, scallops, tuna and a fireball sauce.  This plate was orgasmic, to say the least.  

Chocolate martini nightcap

 The next night we went to Jiko, an African inspired restaurant at Animal Kingdom Lodge.  This was our starter of honey bread, which was heavenly and tamarind spiced butter.  It was like spreading pumpkin pie on bread...it was like dessert.  It was like heaven.  It was like effin amazing. But I couldn't get the song Biko, by Peter Gabriel, out of my head the entire time here. 

 This was the Taste of Africa appetizer with an assortment of dips, homemade Naan, papadums and pita.  My dad used to make us papadums when we were kids and we loved them, but we wore ourselves out on them.  I have fallen back in love with them again.  And the dips were amazing.  Some with such odd spices, it was hard to decide if I liked it or not.  But I kept eating it, so my guess is, I liked it.

Mitmita Spiced Ahi Tuna Tataki with hearts of palm salad, avocado, and peppadew-cilantro vinaigrette.  This was to die for. I could eat this every day.

 Maize-crusted wild sea bass with parsnips that were incredible and a tomato butter hollandaise. 

Grilled, Marinated Lamb Loin with chickpeas and chorizo, spiced swiss chard and apple cider reduction.  I love eating little lambs.  

 The next night we stopped at Le Cellier in Canada at Epcot.  They start you off with an assortment of breads, the pretzel bread being the most delicious.  Luckily for me, my mom found the recipe and tried it, so I will soon be sharing with you!

 If you ever go to this restaurant, order this soup.  It is the best tasting soup in the entire world.  It's Canadian Cheddar Cheese Soup made with Moosehead Beer and bacon.  You will need to bring a change of panties after this one.  I'm not kidding. 

I wanted to try something new this time, so I went with the Open-Faced Canadian Cheesesteak Sandwich with sauteed onions and peppers and a Boursin cheese sauce, topped with arugula.  Though I kinda wished I had stuck to my regular...luckily my mom wasn't straying from what we know is the best thing here: 

Mushroom Filet Mignon with Wild Mushroom Risotto, finished with white truffle herb-butter.  And now that it's fresh in my mind and in my mouth, I think I know how to recreate this risotto.   Better yet, bring 2 pairs of panties.  You're going to need another pair after you eat this.

And finally, we finished our pornographood vacation at the Market Street Cafe in Celebration, Florida.  A place that holds a plaque with my grandmother's name on it, because she ate there so much.  And I know why.  They have the best grits in the entire universe.  But when I asked the waiter what type of grits they used, he said "Quaker".  I call Liar.  Quaker don't make no damn grits as good as these babies!  The swiss cheese omelet with mushrooms and spinach is really delicious too.

  

 

 And we had to finish our weekend with something healthy.  A creamy bowl of yogurt on top of cinnamon-y granola, with a perfectly ripened strawberry and sliced tomatoes, so ripe they tasted like a freakin' watermelon.  Ahhhh Florida, I love you and your fresh fruits! 

The best thing about this Pornographood vacation...I didn't gain a single pound, because we probably walked 10 miles a day.  I love you mom and your love of food, and your love for me, and your love of me, loving food.  Thanks again for an awesome trip!  We must do it again.  And to everyone else - go get a tissue and wipe the drool off your computer.

 

Mater Salad

Since Spring is in the air, I can't stop thinking about fresh fruit and vegetables and grilling outside.  Goodbye fatty comfort foods, thank you for getting me through the dreadful winter months.  I'll see you again in November.  Try to not fatten me up so much next time.  I'm not a bear.  I do not sleep outdoors.  I don't need any extra fat.

Hello healthy, delicious, tastes like the Earth, food.  This year I plan on trying to grow my own tomatoes, green beans, squash, eggplant, green onion, lettuces, radishes and a few more herbs that I don't currently grow...basil and parsley.  Hell, I might even throw in a jalapeno to round it all out.  But I plan on growing these things in 5-gallon buckets this year.  No, it's not going to look pretty.  But it will be more manageable (I hope) and I will be able to grow totally organic veggies in my backyard.  I'll be sure to keep you updated on my progress.  Here's a great article on container gardening if you are interested in joining me on my adventure!

And here's a great recipe for a simple, Spring/Summer salad:

Get a container of ripe tomatoes, or pick the ones off your tomato bush (I used these multi-colored little heirloom tomatoes that I found) cut tomatoes in half or in quarters if large enough.  Dice up one shallot and add it to the tomatoes.  Drizzle olive oil and splash a little balsamic vinegar over the top, season with salt and pepper. Toss your salad.  Or stir it...I kinda had a hankerin' to say "Toss your salad" but it was totally unnecessary. 

Now eat those lovely little gifts that the Earth gave you! 

Springtime!

Happy first day of Spring, everyone!

 (Photo from Google images)

I was at the grocery store last week looking for a delicious tomato to buy for the cookout we were having.  I know, I know, it's not exactly tomato season, but my hopes were to find a good looking, red, ripe, tomato that would be the perfect hamburger topper.  I had my choice of three types of tomatoes. 

Choice #1: A regular looking, though unripe, tomato from Mexico.
Choice #2: An extremely red, tomato on a vine from New Zealand.
Choice #3: An "ugly ripe" tomato from the U.S.

So I thought to myself..., "Self...which tomato will you choose?  Will you go with a tomato from a country attached to ours, but one that may have been driven thousands of miles from California?  Or will you go for the tomato from New Zealand.  You've always wanted to go to New Zealand.  Maybe this tomato will taste like New Zealand.  I bet New Zealand tastes good.  I bet it tastes as beautiful as New Zealand is.  I bet once you taste it, you will find yourself picking up 2 more jobs to purchase your plane ticket to New Zealand." 

But then my Self got the best of itself and asked, "Self...how ripe could that tomato really be?  Coming all the way from New Zealand.  The flight alone must be 17 hours, or maybe they ship them over, which could take who KNOWS how long.  Then those little tomatoes would have to take a boat ride or a truck ride to get to good old Memphis, TN.  I think your best bet would be to steer very clear of the New Zealand tomatoes."

And then I looked at the "ugly ripe", yep, that's what it said, right on the side with a nice little sticker.  No regard for the little guy's feelings.  Poor thing.  And he was ugly as he could be, but he smelled like a tomato and he was the color red a tomato should be, and so I bought him, and he was delicious.

I'm not going to go on a BUY AMERICAN rant, because I don't always necessarily believe that.  With food, however, BUY LOCAL and if you can't buy local, buy as close to local as you can.  Because I don't know if you've watched Food Inc., (Here's a trailer, and no, it won't turn you into a Vegetarian...so open up that pretty little mind of yours and learn about what you are putting into your body), but there's some pretty nasty stuff (for lack of a better term) out there going into our food.  And I don't know about you, but I love food.  And I want to eat it in its truest form, because I'm a bitch like that, and I deserve it.  And you do too.

Poultry and Pharmaceuticals

I'm writing this after having eaten a Lortab for Crepitus, so bear with me.  Crepitus is a painful son of a bitch that is affecting my right foot right now.  It is the strangest feeling and sound inside my body I've ever experienced.  I can literally put my foot to my ear (yes, I'm flexible) and hear what sounds like a creaky old door opening and closing whenever I move my toe.  It feels like I am stretching a rubber band that might possibly break when I walk.  It hurts like hell.  I wish death upon Crepitus so that I can get back to my "beautiful beach booty" workouts before Hangout Festival.

Soooo...now that I'm sure I've gotten you all good and hungry...here's a dish you can't screw up and it tastes great every time.  I originally got this recipe from Melissa d'Arabian after watching The Next Food Network Star, and I have to tell you, watching her win with this one made my mouth absolutely water. In fact, my stomach is growling right now, like there is a Crepitus eater trapped inside.  Ok, back on track...since that episode, I've adapted the recipe to my everyday kitchen supplies and my tastebuds.  You can change the types of veggies.  You can use a little wine to deglaze the pan, you can add in different herbs.  No matter what you do, you will get it right and you will have a tasty dinner.  

Here's What You Need:
- 2 boneless, skinless chicken breast halves, sliced in half crossways (butterflied, cut all the way through) which will give you...say it with me...4 thin chicken breasts. 
- 1 teaspoon dried thyme, plus 1 small bunch fresh thyme, leaves chopped
- Salt and freshly ground black pepper
- 4 tablespoons olive oil
- 1/4 cup all-purpose flour
- 1 yellow onion, thinly sliced
- Sliced mushrooms (enough to top 4 chicken breasts - you be the judge here, take control, damn it)
- 1 cup chicken broth
- 1 1/2 lemons, juiced
- 1 to 2 tablespoons butter

Here's What You Do With That Stuff:
Get a pan with oil nice and hot at medium heat.  Season the chicken with salt, pepper and the dried thyme.  Dredge the chicken in the flour (which I always season with salt and pepper, just to add more flavor).  Add the chicken to the sizzling oil (if you don't hear the sizzle, it's not hot enough, do it again and pay attention next time!)  Cook the chicken about 3 minutes per side until it's cooked.  Set the chicken aside to rest.  You can cover it with foil at this point, but that always seems to make mine soggy, so I don't.

To your now chicken-less skillet, add in the onion the mushrooms and the fresh thyme and cook until the mushrooms and the onions are tender.  Turn your heat up to high and add in your chicken broth and lemon juice to deglaze.  Reduce this sauce stirring as to not burn anything.  Once you have it to the consistency you want it, take the pan off the heat and whisk in the butter.  Add salt and pepper and pour the sauce over the chicken breasts.  I always serve it on a bed of wilted spinach or fresh arugula.  And there you have it.  Healthy, quick and delicious.  Now go make it.  I'm going to figure out a way to kill Crepitus.  

BraunchWHYger??

Google Images Photo

I was feeling nostalgic the other day, missing my grandfather who recently passed away.  And I walked by the processed meat section in the grocery store and grabbed myself some Braunschweiger (which, you should know spell checker corrects that word to Schwarzenegger...and that makes sense, as he's also a livery sausage type). Braunschweiger is a liver sausage, for those of you who don't know. 

Anyways, when I was a little girl, I remember sitting on the couch with my grandpa eating Braunschweiger and mustard sandwiches (he might have put onions on his, but I'm pretty sure that would have been too much of a strange thing in one place at that time in my life.)  But you should know that I LOVED them.  I couldn't get enough.   

So the other day, I toasted up a good slice of Italian bread, schmeared me on a good thick layer of Braunschweiger, poured a little mustard over the top, took a bite, chewed it up, swallowed it, got a displeased look on my face and threw the rest of my sandwich in the trash.

I miss you grandpa, but I don't miss Braunschweiger!  

Kale Yeah!

Here is a must try pesto recipe.  It is delicious on bread, crackers, cheese, grilled mushrooms, dirty underwear, shoes....it will pretty much make everything taste better.  Please try this one...you will be SO happy you did.

Here's what you need:
1 bunch of kale
1/2 cup toasted almonds
3 cloves of garlic
1/4 cup of freshly grated Parmesan
1/4 - 1/2 cup of olive oil (use the good stuff)
The juice of 1/2 lemon
Salt & Pepper



Here's what to do:
Heat up a skillet on medium heat.  Add in the almonds and keep tossing them around to lightly toast them.  Get out your food processor.  Add in 1/2 of the kale, the almonds, the garlic, the Parmesan, the lemon juice from 1/2 of a lemon, and the olive oil.  Chop those babies up until it looks like this:

Add in Salt and Pepper to taste.  Serve it on whatever you like.

Reading This Will Make You Fat ~ Happy Fat Tuesday!!!

Happy Fat Tuesday!!  This is the most fattening meal I think I cook.  Let me think about that for a second.  Besides making ice cream, yes, this is probably the most fattening thing I make.  And that makes it OH SO GOOD!  This is serious comfort food.  Don't even think about doing anything after you eat this.  In fact, you might as well just put on your PJ's pants (which I commonly refer to as my "Fat Boy Pants") now, because reading this will make you fat.

This dish is something I call Baked Steak...even though you never actually bake the steak.  I suppose you could, but I think it would make the coating on the meat soggy.  And I like my meat like I like my men...crunchy, crusty and gone in 3 minutes.  *Smile*  But it's very reminiscent of Country Fried Steak, so...call it whatever you want. 
 
Here's the recipe:
1 package of cube steak, 4 steaks (I don't know why, but simply saying the word cube steak makes me cringe a little...say it with me....CYOUUUUUB STEAK...uhhhh...gives me the willies).
1 cup of flour for coating the steak, seasoned generously with salt, pepper, garlic powder and cayenne if you want a little kick
A heaping pile of butter...not really, but almost 1/2 a stick.
1/4 cup of flour
1 1/2 (or more) cups of milk
Salt & Pepper
Vegetable Oil

Here's What You Do With That Stuff:
Coat the bottom of a pan with oil, you want enough to fry the steaks, but not have them bathing in oil.  So maybe about 1/8 or 1/4 inch of oil.  Turn on the heat to medium.  Get the oil really hot before adding the steak so you get a nice crust, otherwise, you will have a soggy, oily crust. Coat the steaks on both sides with the seasoned flour.  Cook until nicely browned on both sides, (I go about 4 minutes/side).  Place steaks on a plate while you make the gravy.

To Make The Gravy:
The bottom of your pan should have lots of brown bits.  To these brown bits, add in 1/2 stick of butter and 1/4 cup of flour.  Stirring to pick up all the brownie goodness in that pan of yours.  Cook until the flour is a light brown.  You must cook your flour so that your gravy doesn't taste like glue.  I will show you how to do this if you'd like...ahem...Cracker Barrel.  Add in your milk and whisk like a lunatic so that you get out all the lumps.  Turn the heat down to low and either love your gravy consistency, or add milk to it to thin it out.  This is a preference thing.  I like my gravy a little more on the thin side.  Taste it and you will probably have to add salt and pepper.  The more pepper, the better, in my opinion.  Add the steaks back into the gravy, just to coat them.  Serve with Mashed Potatoes and any other carb you'd like to round out this totally debilitating meal.  Don't forget to mix the two together in some bites...this is my preferred way of eating it! 

You can get people to do things for you for this meal.  I have witnessed this first hand.  It's like magic.  Really.... fattening....magic.  Here's to you, Jay!    

Now, ya'll who practice Lent, enjoy your Lenten season...let me know if you make it out alive.  I will be living fat, like I always do, because that's just how this bitch rolls!

Goat Balls

This is a delicious salad that will make you happy!

Lemon Vinaigrette:
1 Lemon
1/4 cup of good olive oil
Salt & Pepper

Squeeze the juice of one lemon into a small jar (I use an old artichoke hearts jar).  Add in your olive oil and your salt and pepper, put a lid on it and shake it like a crazy person.  Put some arugula into a bowl and drizzle the vinaigrette over the arugula, tossing it around until coated, but not over-coated.

Goat Cheese Ball:
Cut out a circle of goat cheese, or mold some cheese into a ball and flatten it out like a burger.  Roll it in breadcrumbs and saute it in olive oil until browned (about 2 minutes per side).  Add your ball to your greens and eat up.    

Doesn't get much easier than that people!  And now you can say you've had goat balls.  If that's the kind of thing you want people to know.