Friday, August 22, 2008

Wonder Drug World

I wrote this a while ago, but it's still one of my favorites:

You know, my sister is right. Her 5-year-old daughter shouldn't know what erectile dysfunction is at her age. But she does. Welcome to the Drug Age, where whatever your ailment, weve got something for you to swallow.

And if we don't, we'll make it, because whatever it will be, it will sell, and even if it kills thousands before we rip it off the market, we'll still make millions off it.

Can't wake up in the morning? Drive to your nearest convenience store and look no further than the drink section, where you'll find an array of liquid crack, which of course, is packaged and targeted at young children. For you more sophisticated legal crack users, there's always a double-shot of espresso in a can. Caution: Overuse of stimulants can cause sexual dysfunction, but never fear....

Just haven't been in the mood lately, too much Red Bull? Or is your hubby having problems getting a chubby? Another visit to your friendly doctor will get you and your spouse a one-way ticket to the bedroom for a few hours with your pretty, little, blue Viagra prescription. Caution: an erection lasting more than a few HOURS is not normal. Really?? DUH!

Children aren't paying attention at school? Why a simple visit to your pediatrician is sure to gain you a quickie prescription for Ritalin. Note: Do not call your doctor with concerns that your child is acting like a zombie. Isn't that why we REALLY wrote you that prescription in the first place? So that YOU the parent could deal with your children? And dont worry, children not wanting to eat anymore is a common side-effect of Ritalin, it should save you on future grocery expenses!

Arent meeting quotas at work? Adderall is your answer. Crack in a pill. The boss won't suspect a thing. AND, its basically doing cocaine without the worry of failing a drug test. HOORAY! Caution: Actually doing work at work may cause promotions, pay raises, more work to be distributed, or may make your lazy ass actually accomplish something. Take wisely.

Trying to lose a few inches? A trip to your neighborhood Walgreens will uncover some good old trusty Dexatrim or the oh-so-popular-with-bimbos Trim Spa Baaaby! Note to women: Men like women with curves. If it's girls youre trying to impress, join a sorority or become a lesbian and continue taking this drug. It's women who apparently aren't happy with the bodies they were born with. Not enough research (Cosmo) has been done (Glamour) to determine (Mademoiselle) why this is (Hollywood).

Nervous about that big presentation you got suckered into giving? Pop a tasty Xanax. Caution: tissues to clean up involuntary drooling associated with Xanax are not included with your prescription.

Depressed over that break-up with that guy who was oh-so-right? Remember, the one that you met in a bar while completely intoxicated, but were determined to save? Dont worry, take your pick: Paxil, Prozac or Zoloft. Hell, get all three and take the one that matches your outfit that day. Remember: Crying it off only makes your face swell and eating ice cream will probably add 2 pounds per week. You'll have to have a back up of Trim Spa during this spell.

We live in a society that is no longer patient enough to deal with simple problems. A good cry isnt good enough anymore. Time heals all. What? In OUR society? Time is of the essence. Were running out of time. What time IS it? There isn't enough time in the day. THESE are the only cliches about time that we know anymore. We want solutions and we want them fast. We're no longer willing to sit down and speak with a specialist, unless that person is going to prescribe a remedy. We dont want to weigh the options anymore; we're content to get our answers in small orange-colored bottles.

My niece and nephew are growing up in Generation Medicine Cabinet. Generation: Here Take This. They are the ones that will have to wake up and decide whether or not they can handle a situation or whether or not the pressure is something they can deal with on their own. Much like my sister and I did. The only difference is that their lives are littered with non-stop advertisements for drugs and quick fixes that consume what they read, their airwaves, their roadways and their lives. They will have to choose to take life with a grain of salt or take it with a little white pill. And THAT is the pill that Im currently having trouble swallowing.