Killa Vanilla

It's a cool 102 degrees in Memphis today.  I kid, I kid.  It's one of those heats where showering is just plain pointless, because you sweat the second you get out.  Memphis heat is unlike any heat I've ever known.  It's wet heat.  It causes swamp ass (for you that don't understand this term...it's when your butt crack gets so sweaty it feels like you've been trekking through the Bayou for a week....appetizing eh?).  Wearing pants in this weather is stupid.  Good luck pulling your pants back up after a bathroom break.  It's hot.  And hot begs for ice cream.  And I've been dying to work with vanilla beans, so here we are!  Vanilla Ice Cream.

Here's What You Need: 
1 cup whole milk
1/2 cup sugar
1 pint of heavy cream (did I mention that this was not an ass friendly recipe?)
1 whole vanilla bean, split in half (don't cut all the way through), seeds scraped
1 tablespoon of agave nectar (optional)
1 tablespoon of good vanilla extract.  Not that $2 crap.  I got mine in Mexico.

Here's What You Do:
Combine milk, sugar, cream and vanilla seeds in a saucepan with a whisk.  Once you scrape the vanilla bean of the seeds, just go ahead and throw the entire bean into the mixture too...this adds more flavor!  Add agave and vanilla extract.  Whisk over medium heat until the mixture is totally combined.  You don't want any sugar granules in your ice cream.  Once everything is combined and the mixture feels creamy when rubbed between your fingers (that's right, play with your food) strain it into a bowl and place mixture into the refrigerator for at least an hour.  I left mine overnight.  When you're ready to make ice cream, just re-mix the contents in the bowl, add to your ice cream maker and follow the directions for your ice cream maker.  Mine is easy.  Hope yours is too.

 Look at all those yummy seeds!  

I left out the eggs in my recipe because something about adding 1/2 cup of sugar, a pint of heavy cream and 8 eggs freaked me out.  Plus then you have to cook it to a certain temperature and I just didn't have time.  But this ice cream is very creamy, VERY vanilla-y and JUST sweet enough (you know I'm not much for sweets). And you can bite down on the little vanilla seeds like you can with Breyer's Ice Cream. mmmmm! 

Enjoy!  And stay cool!   

How to Roast Chicken and Not Be an Idiot

I've had an uncontrollable urge to try beer can chicken for quite some time now.  I just like the idea of cracking a can of beer, taking a few gulps, plopping a bird ass-down on to said can of beer and grilling her up while the beer steams her from the inside out.  Sounds exciting.  Adventurous.  I've never done it.  And I want to.  But I live in Memphis, TN.  It's hotter than hell here (100 degrees the day I made this meal, to be exact).  And the thought of spending most of my day outside, babysitting a bird on a grill over indirect heat makes me want to stab myself in the eye with a spoon.  So what did I do instead?  I turned my oven on to 425, cranked my air on to a cool 65 degrees, turned every fan in the house on and I roasted myself a chicken in June in Memphis.  I wanted to give all you loving readers something to do while you're all pretending to be working hard at the office, since I will be, once again, slacking on my blog this week!

I went with the lovely Ina Garten's recipe with a few tweaks, because her husband loves chicken.  So if she can't roast a good chicken for the lovely Jeffrey, who the hell can??  Here's the recipe.  And here are the tweaks I made:

I only stuffed my bird with 1/2 a lemon and 1 whole bulb of garlic cut in half, because that's all I could fit inside my bird.  I also added only 1 1/2 lemons to the roasting pan and added in 1 whole onion, peeled and separated.  Additionally, I loosely topped my chicken with aluminum foil because all that bacon on top starts to spatter and there's no freakin' way I'm cleaning my oven tonight, or ever for that matter, if I can help it.  After the one hour is up and you remove the bacon, I also removed the aluminum foil so the chicken would brown up.  And I didn't use the wine in the gravy...I just doubled the amount of stock.  Simply because I'll be playing with alcohol all week, I am avoiding it until then. 

I am the bar manager/bartender of a bad ass music venue in town, Minglewood Hall.  I love my job.  I get paid to see live music, one of my favorite things to do in the world.  I clean up after people all night.  I deal with drunken idiots for 5, sometimes more, straight hours a night.  I have to explain to people that I am not the one who has been drinking all night long.  You, sir, are the one who just ordered a vodka and Grey Goose.  You, ma'am, are the dumbass that just asked me for an umbrella sour.  You do realize you are drinking Amaretto, right?  AM-A-RET-TO.  Not Um-ba-rell-a.  At least learn what you're drinking if you're going to let it make you act more stupid than you already are.  Yes, I promise I poured you the correct amount of liquor.  That's my job.  If you want more, you pay for more.  If you act like a jerk, you will get less.  I'm not going to risk my job for a $7 drink, you asshole.  I don't care if you say you're going to tip me "good".  Usually that means you aren't or you are going to give me a dollar.  A dollar isn't good.  Don't expect me to go out of my way for you.  Try to come up to the bar slurring and you get cut off.  Try to argue that you're not too drunk, and you get kicked out.  Simple rules people.  Simple.

I have just provided many simple recipes for you in this blog.  Recipes for great food and recipes for not acting like an idiot.  Please use them.  You will not be disappointed.   

Quick Fix

This pic is from whatwereeating.com.  Come on...I gave up my Natty Light days LONG, LONG ago!

I've been crazy busy since vacation, so the blog is suffering, I know.  I haven't had time to cook anything worth writing about.  But I wanted to share with you what I DO eat when I am crazy busy and have no time to cook.  And let me warn you.  It's a bunch of crap.  But it's stuff I love and it gets me through the night.

Ramen Noodles - At $0.39 cents a package, I used to live on these things in college.  And they take 5 minutes to make.  My dad bought me like a 100-pack my first year at Marshall University.  I did NOT gain the Freshman 15.  In fact, I lost about 25 pounds and I wore a size 0 back in those days.  There are an assortment of flavors: chicken, pork, beef, shrimp.  Chicken is what my dad bought me in college.  Chicken is the one I can never eat again.  Something about 100 straight days of Ramen, pretty much ruined me of chicken Ramen forever.  Go figure.  Beef Ramen is my favorite.  And do you know how many things you can do with Ramen noodles??  It's like a craze...making Ramen into delicious dishes.  Never underestimate the power of Ramen.

Canned tuna - I used to not care about what type of canned tuna I bought, until I discovered Bumblebee tuna.  It doesn't look like canned throw up.  It looks like tuna.  Now I will never buy any other type of canned tuna.  Solid White Albacore in water.  I used to live off it.  But I used to get really pissed if I cracked open a can of tuna and discovered that it was immersed in oil.  These days I'm totally addicted to the Bumblebee "Tonno in Olive Oil", which is Yellowfin tuna in olive oil.  It is delish.  I can eat it straight with nothing else.  But in a quick rush out the door, I usually add a little mayo and maybe some capers and top Triscuits with it.  It's delicious.  It would make a mean tuna casserole too!   

Pierogies - Mrs. T's.  Potato and cheese filled.  In your freezer section.  Saute them in a little butter and olive oil.  Salt and Pepper those babies.  Add more cheese if you like.  Dip 'em in sour cream.  They are pockets full of love!

Peanut butter crackers - They are filling and will keep you going for a good 4 hours.  But have a back up package after that.

Special K Protein Meal Bar - These are yummy and fill any chocolate craving you are having.  I like the double chocolate ones.

So there you have it.  What I grab when I'm in a mad rush and I can't cook anything.  This is what I've lived off of last week.  It may also be why after every day I work, I lose 1 pound.

The Deep Fried South

Ok, look.  I love fried food as much as the next guy, but there comes a time when I crave something that has NOT taken a bath in hot grease. And even more so...when I'm at the beach, the last thing I want is something fried.  Logistically it just doesn't make sense to eat fried food, while walking around mostly naked in the hot ass sun.

So last week, some friends and I took a vacation to the lovely Gulf Shores, Alabama.  We had sooo much fun.  I saw some of my favorite bands play on the beach, laughed so hard at times I would hurt the next day, walked for miles and miles on the soft, white sand, got beat up in the big, blue gulf. Gulf Shores is a beautiful place. The people are extra friendly, it IS the South of course, staying on the beach is relatively cheap,  there are a lot of fun things to do and see, and they have an abundance of fried seafood.  That's right.  If you want fried shrimp, fried clams, fried fish, fried oysters, fried onions, fried fritters, fried tomatoes, fried crab, fried scallops, then LA or Lower Alabama (LA is what the locals call it, makes it more Paris Hilton-y) is the place for you.

In fact, they love their fried food so much that they will UPCHARGE you if you want yours steamed or grilled.  Yes, I said that correctly.  We went to a restaurant in Gulf Shores, and they had an All You Can Eat clam special.  Well, I can eat about 1,000 clams by myself, so I was happy as a clam, you might say.  Until our waitress informed us that the clams were fried, but they would gladly steam them for more money.  Hmmm....So, let me get this straight.  You are going to charge me MORE for taking a clam, in its happy little clam shell, putting it in a steamer until it opens and bringing that to me to eat, than you are going to charge me to take the clam, pry open its shell, scrape out the clam, bread the clam, fry the clam, put the clam on paper towels so it's not dripping with grease, and THEN bring it to me.  Hmm....makes NO damn sense to me, but does explain why Alabama was named the second fattest state in 2010.

So here's an EASY recipe for grilled zucchini.  I guess what my point is, is that your food tastes so much better in the state closest to its original form.  Why are you always trying to hide what you're eating with grease?  Just don't eat it, if you don't like it.  It's that simple.


Here's What You Need:
1 zucchini
1 squash
Olive oil
Salt and Pepper

Here's What To Do:
Cut your zucchini and squash lengthwise into about 1/2 inch slices.  Put slices into a ziplock bag.  Add olive oil to lightly coat each slice, then salt and pepper each slice.  Grill zucchini on medium heat, flipping so as to not burn the squash.  Once you have a nice carmelized look to them, they are finished and are juicy and are sweet and they still taste like zucchini and squash.  And I like zucchini and squash. 

Yes, fried zucchini and squash are delicious too...but if you request fried zucchini and squash at my house...I'm going to upcharge you one bottle of wine to make it for you, because that is just WAY more difficult and a lot more work than the recipe I just gave you, and it's not nearly as tasty.

Oh and in case you were wondering.... No, you couldn't see oil streaks in the Gulf of Mexico, though I still boycott BP...(If you'd like to donate towards disaster recovery in the Gulf, please go to this site - oh, and my best friend designed the website...kudos to Muscle + Bone for their efforts on doing the world some much needed good!)

Chicks & Dumps

Sunday was unseasonably chilly for Memphis in May, and by chilly I mean like 65 degrees, yes my Yankee blood has turned Southern.  Normally this is when the unbearable heat begins.  I had plans to grill some chicken and some veggies and use up my delicious chimichurri, but instead I decided to make Chicken n' Dumplings.  I needed a.) a little comfort food, b.) a recipe to use up some of my chicken stock that is now taking up all the space in my freezer, and c.) something other than the health food I've been eating to tone my ass up for the Hangout Festival this weekend, so that the only "hanging out" I'll be doing is attitudinal, rather than having my ass hanging out of my bathing suit. 

Here's What You Need:
2 Chicken Breasts (cut into bite sized chunks)
1 cup of flour
Poultry Seasoning
Salt n' Pepper
3 carrots, peeled and chopped into bite sized chunks
2 celery stalks, cut into bite sized chunks
1 medium onion, diced
2 cloves of garlic
2 bay leaves
1 1/2 pints of chicken stock (or enough to cover all your meat and veg and boil up some dumplin's)
4 Tbsp. olive oil
1 cup of Bisquick (I know, I know, I should be making my own dumplings at this point, but I had just one cup of Bisquick left and I couldn't justify not using it up before leaving for my vacation.)
1/3 cup of milk
2 tablespoons of thyme, chopped

Here's What You Do:
In a stock pot, on medium high heat, add in two tablespoons of olive oil.  Add 1 cup of flour to a bag or bowl and season with the poultry seasoning and salt and pepper (about 1 tsp. of s&p).  After you cut the chicken, add it to the bag of seasoned flour and coat each piece.  When the oil on the stove is hot, add in chicken.  Brown chicken on all sides.  If you need more olive oil, use it.  Don't be greedy with the olive oil.  Remove chicken and set aside.  Add in 2 more tablespoons of olive oil to the hot pan.  Add in your onion, carrot and celery and saute until tender, about 5 minutes.  While you're stirring the veggies around, make sure you're scraping all the browned, floury bits off the bottom of the pan.  Add in garlic and saute for about 1 minute.  Add in chicken stock and bay leaves and chicken back to the soupy mixture.  Bring to a boil and then simmer for about 20 minutes.

Make your dumplings by adding the Bisquick, milk and thyme (you can use parsley if you like, but I have a ton of thyme outside, so I used it...plus I think it makes the soup more homey tasting).  Stir until all the Bisquick is mixed in.  Bring your soup back up to a boil.  Drop dumpling mixture, by the spoonful into the bubbling broth.  They will grow to be like 3 times the size of what you drop in, so remember that as you drop. Drop your heat back down to a simmer.  Cook dumplings for 10 minutes.  Then cover your pan and cook for another 10 minutes.  I usually flip my dumplings over before I cover and cook for the ten more minutes.  So you can do that, or don't...It really doesn't matter.  It's just one of my manic kitchen moves (more on these later).

Enjoy your delicious, homey, make you want to snuggle up with your momma chicken and dumplings.  I know I did.  I ate 2 bowls.  And now I have to go do 2 workouts so that my ass doesn't resemble a dumpling at Hangout Festival.  Dumpling ass is NO BUENO!!   

Oh yea, and apparently the world is going to end on Saturday.  So hopefully I'll be going out with either the Avett Brothers, the Flaming Lips or the Foo Fighters.  Any one of them should be fun to hang with on our last day on Earth (do people really believe this shit?  I mean, seriously??)  See ya on the flip side, bitches!

Pasta Primavera-Good

Here's another recipe to get rid of any veggies in your refrigerator that are about to go bad.  Pasta Primavera.

What You Need:
Pasta (I'm a fan of stringy flat pastas.  Angel Hair, Spaghetti, Vermicelli, Tagliatelle.  Something about tubed pastas pisses me off.  They never seem be cooked enough for me).
Veggies (Tomatoes, Spinach, Broccoli, Mushrooms, Asparagus, Arugula, Peppers - whatever you have on hand).
Garlic (2-3 cloves, minced usually does the trick)
Chicken or Vegetable Stock about 1/4 cup
1/2 cup of grated Parmesan Cheese
Olive Oil (a few tablespoons)
Salt & Pepper

Here's What To Do:
Cook your pasta according to package instructions (using a good amount of salt in the water to flavor your pasta).  Chop your veggies into uniform pieces.  Don't have a huge tree of broccoli next to a slither of a mushroom because obviously your mushroom will cook first and may even be in overcooked mode while the broccoli is just starting to get tender.  Make everything about the same size.  If you're using something that takes a little longer to cook, like asparagus or broccoli, steam these items until JUST slightly cooked.  If you cook it until it turns that ugly army green (no offense army green.  I love you as a color...I just don't want to eat you as a color), you've defeated the whole point of eating veggies....because you've just cooked out all of the good vitamins and nutrients...you idiot!!  I kid...but seriously, just until they become that beautiful vibrant green...then take them out.


Next, get a saute pan on medium heat and add olive oil.  When the oil is hot, add in your veggies, leaving out the garlic and the leafy veggies that just need to be wilted.  Salt and Pepper your veggies now.  When your veggies are just tender, or soggy as all get up, if that's how you like em, add in your garlic and your leafy veggies, your spinach or arugula.  Once the spinach starts to wilt, add in your chicken broth.  Cook for about 1-2 minutes.  Add pasta to the pan with the veggies...mix everyone around together so everyone gets to party in the sauce.  Put it in a pasta bowl, top with Parmesan cheese and add a drizzle or two of olive oil and maybe some more pepper and maybe even some parsley if you're feeling really adventurous!  

Bon Appetite!

Make You Purr-y Chimichurri

Chimichurri, chimichurri, you'll be gone in a hurry, you make me all purr-y, chimichurri, chimichurri.  This is the song I sing to my chimichurri as I blend up all its delicious ingredients...ok, so I'm not the best song writer in the world, but chimichurri might just be one of the best sauces in the world.  Chimichurri is an Argentinian sauce (What up, my loyal Argentinian readers!!) that is used for marinades and also as an accompaniment to grilled meats. It is so effin good, it makes me feel like new money.  All fresh and crisp and alive!  You must try this now that grillin' season has arrived.

There are a billion different ways to make it, but this bitch does it like this:
1 cup of parsley, just the leafy part, cut off the stems
3-4 cloves of garlic     
2 tablespoons of white wine vinegar (though I'm sure you can use red wine vinegar if that's what you have)
1/4 cup (maybe more) of olive oil
1/4 teaspoon of crushed red pepper (I was out so I used cayenne, worked just as well)
1 tablespoon of lemon juice

Take all your ingredients and blend them up in a blender or food processor.  Put in a bowl when you have a saucy consistency.  Cover and refrigerate to get all those yummy flavors to make out with each other and serve with grilled chicken, fish, beef or pork.  I have added in red onion, oregano and basil in the past, all adding a slight variance to the flavor, but each time it still tastes amazing.

Oh...and you're welcome.

Quin-whaaaaa????

I have been hearing about this wonder grain, quinoa (pronounced KEEN-wah) a lot lately.  I see it on menus, I hear my friends rave about it on Facebook and in emails, and I read about it constantly in magazines.  Apparently it is heaven-sent.  And it should be, because a 1-pound bag of it costs $13 bucks.  But I bought it because I just had to see what the fuss was all about.

Here's What I Did: 
I cooked the quinoa as directed on the package.  I then made a lemon vinaigrette, by adding the juice of 1 lemon, salt and pepper and about 1/4 cup of olive oil to a jar and shaking it, as I danced to the Beastie Boys.  I love cooking with the Beastie Boys.  They're my boiiiiiii's!  I then grabbed a handful of basil and parsley and chopped it up.  Then I toasted about 1/4 cup of pecans and chopped them up.  Then I added all of this to a bowl of quinoa and tossed it (add in the vinaigrette a little at a time and taste it...you don't want to overload it).  And I must say...it was delicious.  Very earthy.  Very nutty.  Made me feel like I was eating a really healthy dinner.  And I was, actually.  The texture is sort of like couscous.  It pops when you bite into, which I dig.   

I'm not craving quinoa on a regular basis, but maybe if I had a better recipe, I'd learn to love it more?????  I'm just not doing back flips when I see the word quinoa.  Anyone????  Come on.  I've got reader's all over the world at this point, I'm DYING for one of you to share your delicious recipes!  I'll try anything, if I can find it in Memphis!   

Oh and those of you in Cyprus who read my blog.  I would LOVE to come visit you.  I have an idea...You fly me to your house, and I'll cook for you the entire month that I plan on soaking up your gorgeous island!  Deal??  Have your people call my people!

My Stock Rocks!

Chicken stock.  I used to spend a butt load of money on it.  Until I decided to make my own.  The reason I never made my own is because it just seemed more convenient to grab a box of stock.  But at $5.99 a pop, I decided to buy a $5 chicken and use up veggies that I always have on hand to make some stock.  Today I made $25 worth of chicken stock for about $9 bucks.  And I also have enough chicken leftovers from said stock to make 2-3 more meals.  And it was probably one of the easiest things I've ever done in the kitchen.

Here's What You Need:
1 whole chicken (rinsed...liver, heart, other bloody, slimy stuff removed, but keep the neck, )
1 large onion
1 head of garlic
1 lemon
4 carrots
4 stalks of celery
(excuse my measurements) A handful of parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme (great song)!
3 bay leaves
Salt & Pepper
Enough Water to cover the chicken 

Here's What To Do:
Cut the onion in to quarters.  No need to peel it, but if you want to, go ahead.  I did, just because I'm weird like that.  Cut the head of garlic in half.  Again, no need to take off the paper.  And no, I wasn't weird like that with the garlic.  Screw peeling the paper off of all those cloves!  Cut the lemon in half.  Rinse the carrots and celery and cut into large chunks.  Wrap up the parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme in some cheesecloth, or don't...see how easy this is?? 

Now, get a large stock pot on medium heat.  Add in the onion, garlic, lemon, carrots, celery, parsley, sage, rosemary, thyme, bay leaves, chicken and water (add in enough water to JUST cover the chicken).  Add in about 3 tablespoons of salt and a TON of black pepper.  And by a ton, I mean crank your pepper mill until your arm gets tired.  Bring this little witchy concoction to a boil and cover and simmer for about 3 hours, until your chicken is 180 degrees when poked and prodded with a digital thermometer. 

Get a large bowl and put a colander in it.  Now dump everything in your stock pot into the strainer, being careful not to overflow the bowl, losing all your delicious stock.  At this point, you can put your chicken aside, wait for it to cool and then shred it or chop it up and make about 1 million things with it.  Chicken tacos, chicken Enchiladas, chicken salad, chicken pasta, chicken and rice casserole, chicken lasagna, chicken noodle soup, chicken milkshake...whatever you want, really.
 

 Chicken soft tacos

Let your stock cool for about 30 minutes and pour it into whatever freezable container you have.  I fortunately am addicted to hot and sour soup, so I have a ton of plastic containers from the local Chinese restaurant that I used.  Fill them up, once the stock has cooled, and freeze them.  Or you can fill ice cube trays and just pop out the stock in cubes as you need them.  I usually just pour hot water over my container for about 5 minutes and plop a big old chicken stock ice berg into whatever I'm cooking.  It usually only takes a few minutes for it to thaw. 

Stock ready to freeze

But there you go.  I just saved you about $17 bucks.  Feel free to mail me a check if you don't need it!  Gas is freakin' outrageous these days!   

My Mom's Da Bomb

 Cookies - my stepping stone to Bitchdom

My mom worked a lot when we were growing up.  Who am I kidding, she works a lot now, she's the definition of a workaholic.  I remember her being gone a lot, working hard to take good care of us when we were little.  She was an RN then.  She worked in the ICU (Intensive care unit).  My sister and I would call her unit on a daily basis, and when they'd answer, "ICU", we'd reply with, "ICU too!"  We were easily amused.  Still are.   

We had some crazy babysitters.  There was the one who would leave us at home alone while she went off to the mall with her boyfriends.  There was the one who farted on my pet skunk stuffed animal (making it smell like an actual skunk from then on).  There was the one next store, who was a good babysitter, but she had 6 kids of her own to look after.  She was the one who tortured us with cream of mushroom soup when we were bad.  She is also the one whose wooden furniture I decided needed a makeover, so I dug my own special designs in it with a safety pin.  I ate a bucket of cream of mushroom soup that day.  There was the babysitter missing fingers.  The one who used her nubs to rub me down with Calamine lotion when I had the chicken pox.  We all learned a great lesson that day...never get a babysitter out of the phone book.

I LOVED it when my mom had a day off.  Especially when we'd make cookies and pies.  This woman can make the tastiest pie crust in the world and I don't even like pie, but I'll eat hers!  I was her sous chef.  I mixed, poured, stirred, plopped, pressed, licked and tasted everything we made.  We had so much fun in the kitchen together.  I ate raw dough with great pleasure (still do).  I created mini cinnamon rolls with the leftover dough from our pie crusts.  It's how I learned to cook.  It's why I love to cook.  My sister and I would always concoct these excellent recipes.  "The Love", as we so originally name it, was our favorite.  It was chocolate ice cream, slightly microwaved so that it was soupy, with sugar added to it.  It was delicious.  When I got older, and my mom was away at work, I'd try to make new things to surprise her with when she got home.  French fries were the most memorable.  NEVER make french fries when you're 8 years old and you don't know what oil does when it gets too hot.  You WILL catch your kitchen on fire.  And that is the scariest thing in the world for an 8 and a 12 year old to deal with!  But scarier yet, is when your mother comes home after seeing the kitchen after said fire.  Now THAT is scary as hell! 

When I was in high school in West Virginia, my mom would work some 13 hours a day.  Some days I'd have dinner waiting on her and my step dad when they walked into the house, zombified from their long day on the job (hmm...I'm starting to realize why a "real job" never seemed to blow my skirt up - it's all making sense now - damn this blog thing really is like going to a psychiatrist - my prescription, being delicious food!)

Long story, short...I love my mom.  I love that she taught me how to cook, was patient with me when I would mess up the kitchen, always encouraged me to try new things, taught me that it wasn't the end of the world when something didn't turn out like I hoped, never said the words, "you can't", worked so hard to provide us with all the stupid brand name clothing we desperately needed to have as teenagers, dealt with my disgusting, truck driver mouth that no amount of soap would cure (I learned to love the taste of soap), always told me I was beautiful, even with a pound of black mascara around my eyes, let me listen to NWA and 2 Live Crew, and always told me she loved me.  I love you mom.  I couldn't ask for a better mom.  The only thing I'd change is that we lived closer to each other so that I could see your beautiful face every day and make you dinner every night.  You are my favorite Bitch in the Kitchen. 

I made a batch of cookies today in your honor.  They are delicious.  I got the recipe here, but used M&M's because the local Quickie Mart didn't have Chocolate Chips.  I'd mail them to you, but there aren't any left.  Selfish bastard kids!  Hrmph!    

Grandbitch in the Kitch

Granny Annie

I am very lucky to have the coolest grandmother in the world.  She just turned 80 in March and she is one hip chick.  She's got an iPhone, an iPad, a laptop, a flatscreen television and she knows how to use them all.  She'll kick your ass in Scrabble.  She goes and sees just about every movie that comes into the theaters, whether it be a silly comedy, like Hall Pass, or a more serious thriller, like Lincoln Lawyer.  She is 100% committed to her "stories" (soap operas), and slept in her clothes with her purse, money, and checkbook during the tornadoes in Alabama last month.  She's fun, smart, feisty, strong-willed, gorgeous and hilarious and seeing her smile makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside!  And she loves my blog!  It makes her laugh.  And I love to hear her laugh.  And when she read my Chicken Caesar Sandwich blog, she immediately emailed me (yes, she keeps in touch via email...I told you she's hip) and told me that I needed to come visit her so she could give me her glass dinnerware.  They have a name.  I can't remember it.  I just sent her a text to see if she knew what it was.  She just googled it because she forgot and then texted me back to say that they are the Candlewick Clear pattern made by the Imperial Glass Company in Ohio and that they go for a TON on ebay (even though I'd never sell 'em).  This woman is absolutely amazing, I tell you!   

So I took the trek (which is only about 3.5 hours from Memphis) to Birmingham to visit ol' Grannie Annie.  And I must admit, I don't have much room for storage in my house, and I really don't throw formal dinner parties.  And I already have my everyday dinnerware filling up my cabinets.  So when we went through all her dishes, I had to turn some things down that I just don't use.  I mean, really, I won't ever use cups and saucers.  I'm just not a cup and saucer kinda gal.  So we're in her bedroom and I'm on a step ladder, pulling down these dishes that she has ever-so organized in these zippered bags and she says to me, "I mean I'm never going to use them and you're all going to have to deal with this shit when I die anyways, so you might as well just take it off my hands now."  Shit my Grandma says!  Love her for it.  Because she's right.  I love her honesty.  I love her realism.  And I love the fact that she's not afraid to speak of death.  I love that I'm thirty four years old and I have lived my entire life with this beautiful woman in it.  I realize that I'm a very lucky girl and I hope I'm just as awesome when I'm 80 years old!

So this is my thank you grandma, for the lovely dinnerware.  You may not know this, but you taught me a lot about the kitchen.  How to respect it, mostly.  You always kept the cleanest kitchen.  I remember waiting FOREVER to open Christmas gifts on Christmas Eve because we'd have to wait for the kitchen to be clean after we had dinner.  It was torture.  It drove us insane.  But I understand it now.  My kitchen is always clean.  Once dinner is finished, it's "clean the kitchen" time.  I can't rest until it's done.  Sometimes I even find myself cleaning the kitchen BEFORE I'm done eating.  You will forever and always be one of my most favorite Bitches in the Kitchen!  

Here's the first thing I made that I put into the new glass dinnerware:

 Isn't it pretty??

Here's What You Need:
4 pieces of pancetta, diced
A bag (forgive the lack of measurement...I just stuffed some Brussels in a bag and bought 'em) of Brussels Sprouts - halve or quarter them if they are really big.
1/4 cup of onion, finely minced
2 cloves of garlic, finely minced
1/2 cup of chicken stock
olive oil
salt and pepper

Here's What You Do:
Put 1 tablespoon of olive oil into a saute pan and brown up your pancetta on medium-high heat.  Set aside.  In the same pan, add in 2 tablespoons of olive oil and get it hot.  Add in your onion and cook until translucent.  Add in Brussels sprouts and salt and pepper them.  Let them cook for about 3 minutes and flip them over so they get a little browned on both sides, cook for another 3 minutes.  Add in garlic and stir until the garlic is fragrant.  Add chicken stock and bring heat down to a simmer and cover.  Cook for about 5 minutes, you should have very little chicken stock left and your sprouts should now be tender.  If not, just put the lid on and keep checking on them.  Add the pancetta back in. 

Put the Brussels into your Candlewick Imperial glass bowl...oh wait...your grandma didn't give you awesome Candlewick dinnerware.  Well, then I guess just put it in whatever bowl you have and serve.

You Want A Fortune Cookie?

You can't go wrong with stir fry.  It's the fastest dinner you can make, short of pushing a few buttons on a microwave and ingesting horribly-bad-for-you food.  It requires a bit of prep, like having everything sliced up and ready to be wildly thrown into an extremely hot wok, so as to avoid dilly dallying around...overcooking your food or starting fires, but prep work is the therapeutic part of cooking, for me, so I don't mind.  This was one of those "I have 2 filet mignon steaks about to go bad if I don't cook them, but it's raining outside and I don't want to grill and we have a few veggies and a little bit of rice left" moments that make cooking history.  Here's what I did to prepare this red pepper beef tenderloin stir fry.

Here's What You Need: 
1 pound of beef, chicken, pork or tofu (I used beef tenderloin steaks and just sliced them into strips)
1 red pepper cut into thin strips
1 jalapeno minced
1 2-inch knuckle of ginger (cut off the bark) and minced
4 cloves of garlic, minced
5-6 green onions, cut about 1 inch thick
Cilantro chopped
Rice or Noodles, whatever floats your boat
2 tablespoons of cornstarch
2 tablespoons of rice vinegar
1 tablespoon of soy sauce
Beef Stock (or chicken or veggie) about a cup
vegetable oil (2-3 tablespoons)
sesame oil (1 tablespoon)

Here's How You Do It:
Make rice/noodles according to package.   Mix together cornstarch, soy and rice vinegar and add beef to mixture.  Marinate beef for 30 minutes to an hour.  Heat up a wok on medium-high heat.  Add in vegetable oil and sesame oil.  Add beef (not all at once...don't overcrowd your pan...do about 1/2 at a time).  Stir beef constantly for about 2 minutes until it's just cooked (I like my tenderloin medium-rare, but if you like yours charred...by all means).  Take meat out and set aside.  Add in more oil if you need to and add red peppers.  Stir about 3 minutes until just fork tender...you want them to have some crunch.  At least I do.  Take peppers out, set aside with the beef.  Add in ginger, green onion, garlic and jalapeno, cook for about 1 minute.  Add in beef stock and scrape your wok to get all that caramelized goodness off the bottom, it should make a slightly thick sauce due to the cornstarch in the beef marinade.  If it doesn't throw it out and start over.  JUST KIDDING....if it doesn't mix a little cornstarch (about 1 tbsp.) and water (about 3 tbsp) and add that to the wok and you should get a nice little sauce.  If it's too thick add in more stock.  You just have to play here...that's the fun part.  Add everyone back to the wok to cover everyone with the yummy sauce and serve over rice.  Garnish with cilantro.

You can add in mushrooms, baby corn, bamboo shoots, cashews, peanuts, whatever you want.  But this is what I had on hand and it turned out to be better than anything I can get at a take out restaurant, minus the fortune cookie.  You want a fortune?  I see very delicious stir fry in your future.  There.      

Screw a Bowl of Wheaties

Farmer's Market season has hit Memphis.  And I love going to the market to see what little gems I can find.  Last week...I found these: 

And if you're wondering what "these" are, they are THE best tasting tortilla chips in this city, if not in the world.  They are made with love...and are now sold with love at local farmer's markets (or you can find them at Las Delicias restaurant on Park Avenue OR, if you're really sweet, I might send you a bag.)  So I bought a bag.

Now recently, a friend of mine and I went and ate brunch at a local place in walking distance from my house, The Beauty Shop, actually, there are about 10 restaurants in walking distance from my house that are absolutely amazing (Young Avenue Deli, Do, Sweetgrass, Tsunami, Cortona, Cafe 1912, Central BBQ, Bari...to name a few) and it's total figure suicide living so close to these places.  My only saving grace is that I can walk, or ride a bike to get to them, which is at least a LITTLE exercise.

But back to the Beauty Shop.  Their brunch is awesome.  And they make a mean Bloody Mary.  Again, I'll go so far as to say the best in town.  And they have Chilaquiles on their menu (pronounced Chee-la-KEEY-lays, for you non-Spanish speaking readers).  And I've never eaten a chilaquile, but they kept walking platefuls of them by me, delivering them to ravenous guests, who would smile a smile SOO big when they received this plate full of food.  And my friend ordered the chilaquiles for brunch that day.  And from that day on, I will order chilaquiles shall they appear on any menu I'm presented, because they are EFFIN' AWESOME!  So after I tasted chilaquiles and after purchasing these tortilla chips, I had to recreate them.

Here's how I made 'em:
1 bag of tortillas (slightly stale is better)
1 can of tomatoes or fresh, but we didn't have any great looking tomatoes that weren't from a country 10,000 miles away, so I went with canned
1 serrano chile
1/2 onion
4 cloves of garlic
1 jalapeno
bunch of cilantro
eggs
salt
pepper
Then the following to garnish...(or use whatever you like) - green onion, cotija cheese (it's Mexican...and it's awesome - try it, it's kinda like feta), avocado, cilantro.

Put your can of tomatoes with the juice, a serrano chile (this sucker is hot), the jalapeno, garlic, onion and a handful of cilantro in a blender and blend away until you have salsa.  Season with salt and pepper and add in more garlic, onion, etc...whatever it needs to make it taste good to you.  Seems like everyone likes their salsa slightly different.  I like spice, so I ended up adding in more jalapeno and more garlic.

Take your salsa and put it in a saute pan to heat it up.  Once it's heated, add in a handful of tortilla chips.  A handful in this case is one serving.  So this will be for one guest.  If you have a bird eater guest, I'd say add about 10 chips.  If you have a elephant eater guest, double it.  Toss the chips in the salsa until the chips are well coated and start to turn slightly soggy.  In another pan fry up an egg (if you don't know how to make an egg, you probably aren't interested in cooking, and therefore shouldn't be here...how the hell did you get here???).  Put the chips on a plate, add the egg, top with a little more salsa, and add avocado, cheese, green onion and cilantro to garnish.

PS - this is an awesome hangover recipe....it will have you up and movin' in no time! 

Grow Some Herb

 Sage with the purple flowers on the left; rosemary in the back and thyme with the pink/whitish flowers on the right.

You know the first thing I wanted when we bought our house in Midtown Memphis??  An herb garden.  I have always wanted one.  In college, I tried numerous times to grow herbs (legal ones...yes) in pots in the kitchen, but I was too busy gettin' my party on (hey, I did go to a professional party school..I had to live it up) to take care of them and they always died.  I did graduate from WVU by the way, in case you wondered.  Of course I was on the 5-year plan.  Ok, we'll make it a 6-year plan because I did do that one year at Marshall University...but I digress...it's easy to go back to those years and get sidetracked.  Those were some of the most memorable times of my life.  Ok, back on track.   My first project when we moved in, was to plant some rosemary, cilantro, sage, parsley and thyme.  Best decision I ever made.

The parsley didn't make it.  I didn't really research it to know that parsley likes a little shade and I planted everything in the hottest spot in my yard.  So it died.  It's in herb heaven...with all the other herbs from college that I killed.

The cilantro grew great.  It even flowered, turned into coriander and seeded new plants for next year, but it never came back after that second year.  Though we threw one helluva Cinco de Mayo party when we found out it replanted itself that second year.

The rosemary is a tree now.  It's about to knock my house off its foundation.  It's a crazy bitch.  And I use it all the time.  For chicken, pork, lamb, marinades, I cut it up and put it in goat cheese, butter, etc.  It's versatile.  It's piney.  It makes a great centerpiece, it makes an awesome wreath and it makes a gorgeous gift!  And if you want some, come get some, because it's out of control, but I love it.

The sage is also a crazy bitch.  It blooms these beautiful purple and white flowers every year.  I don't use it much for cooking, though I have thrown some under the skin of the chicken or turkey I cook.  And I add it to any stock I ever make.  And every time I walk by it, I rip off a leaf, rub it between my fingers and then smell like I'm smart all day.  I can't explain why, but sage reminds me of the smell of smart people!  Maybe I should make a sage perfume and dab some behind my ears.  Couldn't hurt right??

 Sage

The thyme, is nuts too.  It blooms these teeny, delicate pink flowers, that remind me of little flower girls walking down a wedding aisle.  And I use the HELL out of some thyme.  I use it in everything.  I might just put some in my cereal tomorrow...don't tempt me!  I use it for everything.

 Thyme

I save so much money having herbs in my yard.  Herbs are expensive little suckers.  And they don't last very long after you get them home.  So this year, I've planted parsley, basil, oregano, lavender and chives in a 5-gallon planter.  I can't wait to see how they turn out.  And I should get some more pretty flowers from the chives, lavender and oregano!

 parsley on the left, basil on the right

 lavender on the left, oregano (with really tiny chive sprouts you can't see) on the right.

GROW SOME HERB!  You won't be disappointed, you'll save money, it will force you to experiment and it will make your stinkin' ass smell a whole lot better!  

For the Record...

I love cooking.  Cooking for me must be what writing a song is like to a musician, painting a picture is like for an artist, what dancing is like for a dancer.  It's exhilarating.  It's frustrating.  It's hard.  It's fun.  It makes me smile, and it makes me wanna throw shit across the kitchen.  I get to use my hands and have many different instruments to choose from.  I get to get down and dirty, sticking my hands in squishy, soppy things.  I get to create.  I get to manipulate.  I get to saute, puree, flambe.  I get to indulge.  I get to smack things, beat things, roll things, cut things, flour things, bake things, stick my hand inside things.  It's absolutely amazing and I love it.   

Do I want it to be my job?  Not in a million years.  I am often asked, "Why don't you go to culinary school?" and I quickly reply, "Because I'm already $80,000 in debt from Undergrad and Grad school."  Then I'm asked, "Well why don't you just get a job in a kitchen and go from there?"  And my response is, "Because I have no real experience in a formal kitchen, besides the occasional make-a-platter-look-pretty move, or make a cheese river for a buffet table (I gotta thank my buddy Julien for teaching me that one), or garnishing things, so why would any chef hire me?"  Or, "I'm only experienced to work in a place like Chili's or Applebee's...both places I despise, so no thank you."  The other one I usually hear is, "You missed your calling."  Hey thanks...that's exactly what I need to hear.  My life is now wasted because my calling has been missed.  I guess I should just wait for my demise, and throw in the towel, because I have already missed my purpose in life.  

Here's how I feel about cooking.  It's therapeutic.  Smashing a clove of garlic or pounding out a piece of chicken is good for the soul.  Turning something I've never even heard of into a surprisingly delicious dish makes me proud.  I love to cook.  The more you cook, the better you become at cooking.  I used to never stray from a recipe.  Now, I whip up my own creations all the time and they are GOOD!!  I find that I love my food so much, that eating out has become less attractive to me because I am uber-critical about the food I encounter in restaurants.  I find that often, I can do it better.  I can taste the difference between fresh and frozen.  I can tell if you opened up a bag, poured its contents into a bowl, melted cheese over it and passed it off as $9 French Onion Soup.  I can tell if the woman or man in the white uniform and funny hat in the back loves or hates their job just by taking that first bite.   

I love to try new things.  I can't eat the same piece of chicken everyday.  I hate leftovers.  I just want to create things.  Things that I'm not responsible for for the rest of my life.  Things that I can eat after I create them, or throw away if I don't like them.  Cooking is my hobby.  The minute I turn it into a job that consumes me and makes me hate it, is the minute I'm no longer interested.  Capish??

Frittata - It's What's For Breakfast, Lunch or Dinner, really

We have these awesome little produce stores all over Memphis called Easy Way (beware the cheesy song that plays on this website).  They have mostly local, and sometimes regional produce, honey, cheeses, meats, etc.  There's one that's 1.8 miles from my house.  So the other day a friend and I decided to take a walk to Easy Way, grab something that inspired dinner, walk back home, and indulge in dinner with no guilt!  What I found was delicious looking asparagus and this Amish made, grass fed, Swiss Cheese from Troyer Farm in Millersburg, OH (might be one of the best things Ohio has to offer).  So Here's what I made:

Asparagus, onion & Swiss frittata

For those of you who may not be familiar with a frittata, it's kind of like a quiche, without crust.  Or it's a big old omelet pie.  Start with a non-stick, broiler safe pan.  This is probably the most important thing.  Then, all you do is you cook whatever you want inside your frittata, I went with Asparagus and onion because I was feeling vegetariany.  But I've made meat frittata's that are just as delicious.  But you can literally do whatever you want, eggs make a great canvas. 

Beat 4 eggs and add in a little milk...I just use a splash, maybe like 2 tablespoons.  Once your meat is cooked, or your veggies are tender, but not overcooked...never overcook a vegetable, add in your eggs making sure they are evenly dispersed in the pan...not hard to do with a liquid, but sometimes you get a little greedy with filling and you have to force your eggs to break the levee of meat that you have built in your pan, I'm well aware of this phenomenon.  If you're using cheese, sprinkle it over your veggies/meat/egg mixture now.  Add salt and pepper and whatever other seasonings you like.  Cook eggs over medium low heat for about 8 minutes. 

At this point the bottom of your frittata will be cooked, but the top will be a little jiggly.  So now is the time to put the frittata into the broiler for about 2-4 minutes...but I never trust the broiler, so I sit on the floor of my kitchen and never shut the broiler door.  I obsessively pull the pan in and out, over and over, time after time to make sure I'm not burning my eggs or cheese or bread, or whatever I am broiling.  So do as I freakishly do, or just trust your oven and hope for the best!  Your frittata will puff up and start to look brown and beautiful.  Shake the pan gently.  Once you get no major jiggle from your eggs, you're done.
    
Here's the hardest part.  Getting the frittata out of the pan in one piece.  Go around the rim of your pan with a rubber spatula.  Take a cutting board and place it on top of your frittata...say a kitchen prayer...mine usually goes like this..."Please let this fucking work"...then flip the frittata pan so that...HOPEFULLY your frittata comes out in one piece onto the cutting board.  Cut that baby up like a pie...serve with fruit or potatoes for breakfast, with a small salad for lunch or with a bowl of soup and a glass of wine for dinner.

Tomatoes or Tequila...

This recipe was inspired by my good pal Ina Garten.  I really do love her, despite my recent post!  I just think she'd be a lot cooler and less stiff if she did one too many shots of tequila, danced naked on a table and threw up all over herself. That woman needs to let loose for once in her life! :-) 

Anyways, here's a great recipe that makes a delicious lunch or a quick snack.

Here's What You Need:
1 juicy, ripe tomato sliced into 1/2 inch thick pieces, don't even attempt to use an unripe tomato here.
1/2 cup of kale pesto, it might be time for an intervention with this stuff...I'm totally addicted to it.
1/2 cup of Parmesan cheese
Olive Oil
Salt & Pepper

Here's What You Do:
Preheat oven to 400.  Arrange your tomato slices on a baking sheet.  Drizzle them with olive oil and salt and pepper them.  Bake for about 10 minutes.  Take them out of the oven and top each tomato with a generous helping of pesto (I assume you can use whatever kind of pesto you like, basil, arugula, etc.)  Sprinkle each tomato with Parmesan cheese.  Put the tomatoes back in the oven until the cheese gets melty and brown and bubbly. 

Once that happens, take them out of the oven, and lightly salt again.  Enjoy!  And look, if you're underage and reading my blog, I do not condone underage drinking.  Nor do I condone doing one too many shots of tequila, no matter what your age.  Trust me.  You'd be better off playing in traffic, getting hit by a semi and being in a coma for a week than to have to deal with a tequila hangover.  So, I'd advise you to stay off the tequila and overdose on these tomatoes instead.      

What Can You Do With A Can o' Cannellini's?

Here's a quick and easy, and healthy side dish that you can whip up in 5 minutes.  Open a can of cannellini beans (I always have a can of these, a can of black beans and a can of chickpeas in my cabinets - they all three make quick and easy sides dishes or munchies).  Rinse them and drain the water off them.  Put them in a bowl.  Cut up whatever aromatics you have on hand, I just happened to have vidalia onion and basil, and add them to the salad, though I think red onion would offer more bite and contrast.  Add in whatever veggie you have in the fridge that is about to go bad soon, I used tomatoes, you could use spinach, asparagus, arugula, peppers, cucumbers, etc. and add them to the bowl.  Now toss your salad (giggity) with olive oil and red wine vinegar or whatever vinegar you prefer.  Salt and Pepper.  Thank me later. 

I served mine on the side of a chicken Milanese (which is really a fancy way to say fried chicken breast that is thinly pounded, seasoned, floured, dipped in egg wash and then coated with seasoned breadcrumbs with parsley and Parmesan, then fried in a skilled in olive oil, about 3 minutes per side, then drizzled with freshly squeezed lemon juice)...this is a quick and easy dinner...and if you MUST be a total health freak, you can bake the chicken for say, 15 minutes at 350...but I personally like mine pan fried.

Cockroach of the sea, my ass...

The cockroach of the sea is ok by me!  I will eat lemony, garlicky, buttery lobster off of the back of a hairy, fat, sweaty man, for a mere $20 bucks.  I kid you not.  Present me that situation and I will have a belly full of lobster and a pocketful of Andrew Jackson. For crab legs?  I'll do it for free.   So when I saw these lovely little Nicaraguan lobster tails at a dirt cheap price (I know, I felt a little dirty paying so little for these things, considering what the fishermen go through to catch them), I had to grab 'em.

Lobsters are odd little creatures.  If I found one in my house, I'd be up on the counter with a broom, screaming bloody murder!  They are ugly.  They have many claws and strange little extremities.  But they are tasty.  Back in the old days they were so abundant and so unwanted that they were fed to prisoners and slaves.  Prisoners begged to be fed something different.  I guess too much of anything can get old...quick!  Luckily for me, I only eat lobster maybe once or twice a year.  So it's a real treat when I do.

Here's how I did it:
I got my grill ready by adding charcoal to my chimney (one of the best grilling utensils I own - no more disgusting lighter fluid taste - hooray!) and lighting it.  I cut off all the weird little arm-like doohickey's (I can't believe that's an actual recognized word - doohickey!).  Then I cut the tail right in half, making sure to leave the very tip in place (scissors worked much better than a knife).

Then I melted some butter and made some garlic into a paste by smashing my knife over it, until it was....well, pasty.  Add salt and pepper to the lobster and brush garlic/butter mixture over the raw flesh.  Empty your charcoal when it's ready and oil your grill grate so the lobster doesn't stick to it.  Slap those bugs on your grill and cook 4 minutes per side...mine were pretty big, so just keep your eye on it.

 The lobster will be firm and opaque when it's finished cooking.  Squeeze some lemon on it and melt some butter to dip it in.  I served mine with sliced tomatoes and sauteed kale with olive oil, garlic and crushed red pepper.  mmm...mmm...sea cockroach!  

Ream On

 photo taken from Google Products

Instead of buying a lemon reamer.  Ok hold up.  Maybe I am a little strange, ok, I'm a little strange...but the word reamer just reminds me of some weird S&M device.  Oh, who am I kidding...look at that thing...it LOOKS like a weird S&M device.       

Anyways, instead of buying one of these freakish S&M toy-like items, use a fork.  Take your fork, stick it in your lemon half, squeeze the lemon around the fork and twist the fork.  It works WAY better than a reamer.   You'll get twice as much juice out of that baby.  I know, I know what you're thinking, "But what about the seeds?"  Just pick em out with said fork....Geez prima donna!   Save yourself some money and some kitchen drawer space and kick your reamer to the curb.  Because trust me, that clerk at Bed Bath & Beyond is a little uncomfortable with you asking him where they keep the reamers.  Oh, and that little massager that fits on your finger...they wonder what that's really about.  Don't act like you never thought about it...

Breadhead

 I was pretty freakin' proud of this little one

Bread.  Just hearing the word makes the aroma of freshly baking bread appear.  It's one of my top 5 favorite smells.  1. Babies, 2. My dad (when he's clean of course), 3. Laundry that my mom did, 4. The Ocean and 5. Freshly baked bread.  I've never met a bread I didn't like.  Ever.  Not pumpernickel, not rye, not Irish soda (though it may be my least favorite - no offense Irish folk, I'm Irish too, my great grandmother bottled Guinness in Dublin for Christ's sake, oops...no offense...Jesus, oh to hell with it all) I will most likely, at one time or another, offend you if you read my blog...so let's move on...and let bygones be bygones.

Back to bread.  My favorite of all breads is a crusty, flaky French bread with a soft, light, airy inside.  With butter holes built right into it.  I've done a lot of research on this bread and I've been discouraged to make it because I always read that I need to have a special type of oven that gets to 700 some degrees.  Or I need to have a certain type of flour imported from an unknown village in France.  Then there's something about sponges, water baths, etc.  It's like sitting in a calculus class and honestly, who would do that if they didn't have to?? That's why I prefer cooking to baking.  Less stress. 

Anyhow...I stumbled across a bread recipe on this blog, which I now LOVE, and I halved the recipe and gave it a go.  I didn't have a pizza stone, but I do have a ceramic unglazed deep dish pizza pan that I assumed would get good and hot, so I used that.  I also don't have a pizza peel, I just picked up my shaped loaf and stuck it in my pan.  And of course, today was the day my instant thermometer died, so I sorta just guessed when the bread was actually done.  Seeeee....baking isn't THAT technical after all.  And I was all worried!!

Regardless...what I came up with was a much lighter in color (I think I used too much flour, my dough was not nearly as goopy as his), ever so slightly undercooked, but DAMN tasty loaf.  In fact, this sucker didn't last more than 5 minutes.  There were four bread vultures in my house at the time.  Each one taking a different approach on how to eat theirs.  One went with the plain old white bread style.  Another simply buttered.  Another went with olive oil, salt and pepper to dip in.  And the fourth went the butter and honey route.  I'll never tell you which one I was.  And my quest to make the perfect loaf is not over.  I will pull a masterpiece out of my oven.  Wait and see...

Peanut Buttah Luvah!

I love ice cream.  If there's a sweet I crave on a regular basis, it's ice cream.  Usually it's ice cream sundaes.  Something about cold, creamy vanilla ice cream, smothered in hot, gooey chocolatey fudge, topped with salty, crunchy nuts, really makes my mouth water, my stomach growl, my knees quiver, you get the point.  But ever since I was a little girl, our freezer was usually stocked with chocolate peanut butter ice cream.  Not chocolate peanut butter CUP ice cream.  That stuff is no good.  Something about the frozen chocolate from the peanut butter cups just doesn't work for me.  Adds a filmy, greasiness to each bite that I just don't dig.  I'm talking about chocolate ice cream in all its glory surrounded by ribbons of frozen, peanutty peanut butter.  In the North, you can buy it anywhere.  In the South, you can only get it at Baskin Robbins.  In this bitch's kitchen, you can now find it homemade in my freezer, because that's how I do.  If I want it bad enough, I make it happen.  Now, on to the dreamy goodness that is chocolate peanut butter ice cream.  This recipe was inspired by THIS site.

Here's What You Need:

4 egg yolks
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder (I used Ghirardelli Cocoa)

2 tablespoons of Hershey's syrup
1 cup milk

1/4 cup of peanut butter, plus 1/4 cup more to add later (I used Jif Natural peanut butter because I'm just an au natural kinda gal)
1 cup heavy cream or whipping cream
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract 

Here's What You Do:

In a medium-size bowl, add the egg yolks and sugar; beat until thick and lemon colored, GENTLY (I'm serious about this step...you'll get cocoa powder EVERYWHERE if you don't listen to me) stir in the cocoa powder until you have a batter that looks like brownie mix.  mmmm....brownie miiiixxxx.  Have I told ya'll about my dream of bathing in brownie mix?  I'll save it for another blog.

In a small heavy saucepan over low to medium-low heat, add milk. Slowly bring milk just to a gentle simmer or until it begins to bubble around the edges. Remove from heat.

Gradually stir hot milk a LITTLE BIT AT A TIME (Again, I'm serious, or you'll have chocolate scrambled egg ice cream and who the hell wants that in their mouth?) into beaten egg/sugar/cocoa mixture with a wire whisk. Pour mixture back into the saucepan. Over low heat, stirring constantly (Not as constantly as you might think, but keep an eye on it so it NEVER boils), heat until the mixture (custard) thickens and will coat the back of a metal spoon with a thin film, approximately 7 to 10 minutes. On your candy thermometer, the temperature should reach between 165 and 180 degrees F.  Take mixture off the stove at this point and put it in a refrigeratable bowl.  Stir in 1/4 cup of peanut butter until it's melted in and place mixture, covered, in the fridge or freezer if you are impatient like me and wait until it's cooled to a balmy 65 degrees.

At this point you need your ice cream maker and I am lucky enough to have received one from my outlaws for Christmas (ok, ok, they are actually my inlaws, but the word outlaws just makes them seem more dangerous, more backwoods, I imagine them holding guns and wearing coonhats when I call them outlaws!).  Before you pour your mixture into your ice cream maker, stir in the cream and the vanilla.  Make your ice cream according to manufacturer's instructions.  Once you get your ice cream to the soft serve stage, put it in a freezerable, air-tight container.  Now, take your 1/4 cup of peanut butter you have leftover and stir it into the ice cream so that when it freezes you'll have ribbons.  Peanut buttery ribbons. Peanut Butter Ribbon Time, Peanut Butter Ribbon Time...  

Freeze for about an hour or so, until you just can't freakin' wait to plunge a spoon into that stuff....lock all your doors and enjoy!   

    

Hello Portabello

These little puppies are heaven in your mouth.  We discovered these last year.  We were having a cookout and my friend made the delicious Kale Pesto that night and we were all raving about how tasty it was.  So in my total brilliance of a self-taught, try anything chef, I decided that the kale pesto placed on top of grilled portabellos, stuffed with goat cheese would be amazing.  And I was right (I usually am).  These babies have everything to offer.  The meatiness of the mushroom, the creaminess of the goat cheese, and the zingy freshness of the kale pesto...makes for a most pleasurable eating experience.

Just add olive oil, salt and pepper to the portabello, wrap in aluminum foil and put on the grill for about 15 minutes until fork-tender.  Add goat cheese to the inside of the mushroom when they are finished cooking, and top with kale pesto.  You can do these steps however you wish, as long as they are all on there, it will taste good, I promise.  Top with more cheese if you want, or just eat those bad boys with goat cheese and kale pesto.  Cut into 4's for an appetizer.  This will please anyone.  Even people who don't like goat cheese.  Trust me, I fed it to people who were unaware of the goat cheese addition and they shivered in delight.  And then I told them it had goat cheese in it, and they shrieked at the fact that they loved it so much (Don't try this at home, maybe your guests are allergic to goat cheese...you never know...good thing mine weren't!)  So even you non-goat cheesy people, try it.  Do Not Be Afraid Of The Cheese Made By Goats!  Bah-ahh-ahhh!

Note: No guests were harmed during the tasting of these shrooms.

Say Hello To My Little Friend

You know Spring time is here when mud bugs make an appearance.  Yes, mud bugs as they are lovingly referred to in the South.  Those wascally widdle wabbits of fweshwater - Crawfish!  I remember when I was little growing up in Pittsburgh, me and a friend would catch these little suckers from a creek (or crick for you rednecks) in her backyard.  We called them Cray-fish up North.  Damn Yankees! 

Today, we boil 'em up with new potatoes, corn, sausage and Cajun spices for a delicious and extremely messy snack on patios all over the South.  Add cheap, cold beer, some amazing tunes and you got yourself a party.  Hyuh, Hyuh! (Oh - That's New Orleans for Here, Here).  

PS - Don't forget to suck their heads.  Mmm...mmm...good! 

Bite Me

Some of you may have noticed that my blog mainly features main dishes, appetizers, sides, salads, sandwiches, etc.  And being a BITCH in the Kitchen, you might think I'd have more of a sweet tooth.  You know how us bitches need our shuggah!

However, I am not your ordinary bitch in the kitchen.  I am your savory bitch in the kitchen.  I would much rather have a side of beef than a hot fudge sundae.  Again, it's that cave woman thing coming out in me.  I imagine if I was a cave woman, I'd be the one holding a club.  Bashing in the head of an innocent squirrel or rabbit.  And I would rock the hell out of my leopard print, tied-at-one-shoulder cave woman dress -- Wilma Flintstone style.  I'm just not much of a baker.  I'm more of a candlestick maker.  But I will learn.  Mark my words.

Here's something sweet and easy, because that's how this bitch rolls:

Here's What You Need:
Graham Crackers
Sherbet of your favorite flavor (I used raspberry) and here's a little something that annoys me...it's spelled S-H-E-R-B-E-T....so why do we all say Shure-BERT?  Who is this Bert dude anyways??  I bet that guy is pissed. 

Here's What You Do:
Spread some Sherbet on a graham cracker, top it with another cracker and savor the sweetness!

I learned this from a friend's mom in elementary school.  It's so strange the things you remember!  Here's to Bert...thanks buddy.  Enjoy!