BraunchWHYger??

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I was feeling nostalgic the other day, missing my grandfather who recently passed away.  And I walked by the processed meat section in the grocery store and grabbed myself some Braunschweiger (which, you should know spell checker corrects that word to Schwarzenegger...and that makes sense, as he's also a livery sausage type). Braunschweiger is a liver sausage, for those of you who don't know. 

Anyways, when I was a little girl, I remember sitting on the couch with my grandpa eating Braunschweiger and mustard sandwiches (he might have put onions on his, but I'm pretty sure that would have been too much of a strange thing in one place at that time in my life.)  But you should know that I LOVED them.  I couldn't get enough.   

So the other day, I toasted up a good slice of Italian bread, schmeared me on a good thick layer of Braunschweiger, poured a little mustard over the top, took a bite, chewed it up, swallowed it, got a displeased look on my face and threw the rest of my sandwich in the trash.

I miss you grandpa, but I don't miss Braunschweiger!  

Kale Yeah!

Here is a must try pesto recipe.  It is delicious on bread, crackers, cheese, grilled mushrooms, dirty underwear, shoes....it will pretty much make everything taste better.  Please try this one...you will be SO happy you did.

Here's what you need:
1 bunch of kale
1/2 cup toasted almonds
3 cloves of garlic
1/4 cup of freshly grated Parmesan
1/4 - 1/2 cup of olive oil (use the good stuff)
The juice of 1/2 lemon
Salt & Pepper



Here's what to do:
Heat up a skillet on medium heat.  Add in the almonds and keep tossing them around to lightly toast them.  Get out your food processor.  Add in 1/2 of the kale, the almonds, the garlic, the Parmesan, the lemon juice from 1/2 of a lemon, and the olive oil.  Chop those babies up until it looks like this:

Add in Salt and Pepper to taste.  Serve it on whatever you like.

Reading This Will Make You Fat ~ Happy Fat Tuesday!!!

Happy Fat Tuesday!!  This is the most fattening meal I think I cook.  Let me think about that for a second.  Besides making ice cream, yes, this is probably the most fattening thing I make.  And that makes it OH SO GOOD!  This is serious comfort food.  Don't even think about doing anything after you eat this.  In fact, you might as well just put on your PJ's pants (which I commonly refer to as my "Fat Boy Pants") now, because reading this will make you fat.

This dish is something I call Baked Steak...even though you never actually bake the steak.  I suppose you could, but I think it would make the coating on the meat soggy.  And I like my meat like I like my men...crunchy, crusty and gone in 3 minutes.  *Smile*  But it's very reminiscent of Country Fried Steak, so...call it whatever you want. 
 
Here's the recipe:
1 package of cube steak, 4 steaks (I don't know why, but simply saying the word cube steak makes me cringe a little...say it with me....CYOUUUUUB STEAK...uhhhh...gives me the willies).
1 cup of flour for coating the steak, seasoned generously with salt, pepper, garlic powder and cayenne if you want a little kick
A heaping pile of butter...not really, but almost 1/2 a stick.
1/4 cup of flour
1 1/2 (or more) cups of milk
Salt & Pepper
Vegetable Oil

Here's What You Do With That Stuff:
Coat the bottom of a pan with oil, you want enough to fry the steaks, but not have them bathing in oil.  So maybe about 1/8 or 1/4 inch of oil.  Turn on the heat to medium.  Get the oil really hot before adding the steak so you get a nice crust, otherwise, you will have a soggy, oily crust. Coat the steaks on both sides with the seasoned flour.  Cook until nicely browned on both sides, (I go about 4 minutes/side).  Place steaks on a plate while you make the gravy.

To Make The Gravy:
The bottom of your pan should have lots of brown bits.  To these brown bits, add in 1/2 stick of butter and 1/4 cup of flour.  Stirring to pick up all the brownie goodness in that pan of yours.  Cook until the flour is a light brown.  You must cook your flour so that your gravy doesn't taste like glue.  I will show you how to do this if you'd like...ahem...Cracker Barrel.  Add in your milk and whisk like a lunatic so that you get out all the lumps.  Turn the heat down to low and either love your gravy consistency, or add milk to it to thin it out.  This is a preference thing.  I like my gravy a little more on the thin side.  Taste it and you will probably have to add salt and pepper.  The more pepper, the better, in my opinion.  Add the steaks back into the gravy, just to coat them.  Serve with Mashed Potatoes and any other carb you'd like to round out this totally debilitating meal.  Don't forget to mix the two together in some bites...this is my preferred way of eating it! 

You can get people to do things for you for this meal.  I have witnessed this first hand.  It's like magic.  Really.... fattening....magic.  Here's to you, Jay!    

Now, ya'll who practice Lent, enjoy your Lenten season...let me know if you make it out alive.  I will be living fat, like I always do, because that's just how this bitch rolls!

Goat Balls

This is a delicious salad that will make you happy!

Lemon Vinaigrette:
1 Lemon
1/4 cup of good olive oil
Salt & Pepper

Squeeze the juice of one lemon into a small jar (I use an old artichoke hearts jar).  Add in your olive oil and your salt and pepper, put a lid on it and shake it like a crazy person.  Put some arugula into a bowl and drizzle the vinaigrette over the arugula, tossing it around until coated, but not over-coated.

Goat Cheese Ball:
Cut out a circle of goat cheese, or mold some cheese into a ball and flatten it out like a burger.  Roll it in breadcrumbs and saute it in olive oil until browned (about 2 minutes per side).  Add your ball to your greens and eat up.    

Doesn't get much easier than that people!  And now you can say you've had goat balls.  If that's the kind of thing you want people to know.

Dip Your Chip in my Dip...Dip.

Minus a couple of things, I have just about every kitchen appliance and utensil imaginable.  So when my grandma called me a couple of months ago asking if I would like her to buy me a mandolin, I was stoked (Thanks Grandma)!   Not this kind of mandolin...(although, by all means Grandma...if you want to buy me one of these, I'd be more than happy to have it!)  This type: 

The kind that comes with warnings about cutting off your fingers.  The kind that bites.  The kind that makes the most amazing homemade potato chips ever eaten by man or bitch.

There seems to be a big debate on whether or not to soak the potato slices after thinly slicing them.  Some say removing the starch makes for a crispier chip.  So I made them both ways.  Did someone say experiment?  I used a pot and filled it with 1/2 vegetable oil and 1/2 canola oil (but only because I ran out of vegetable oil and bought canola to replace it...it's better for you too).  I wanted to use peanut oil, but at $20 a pop, I decided against it for my first experiment.

I cut my first Idaho (no, you da ho) potato and soaked the slices in cold water for half an hour.  Then I cut my second Idaho and added them, about 10 at a time, to the oil which was a piping 350 degrees.

Once they browned up a bit, I drained them on a paper bag and salted them with kosher salt.  Then made the other batches of unsoaked potatoes.  This is the end result of the unsoaked chips: 

Next, I took the chips that were soaking in cold water and dried them off completely.  You DO NOT want to put wet chips in hot oil.  You will set your kitchen on fire.  Trust me, I've set many a kitchen on fire (and backyards and houses and myself and...well, I'm kind of a pyro).  If you don't believe me, ask my mom!  Once your chips are totally dry...do the same as above.  Add them to your 350 degree oil in small batches until they're browned up, drain on a paper bag and salt with kosher salt.  Here's what they should look like:

Both types were delicious.  There was no difference in taste or crunch.  The color was the only difference.  They are so much better than any bagged chip you can buy, except they don't last nearly as long, because they are so much tastier.  And there's 3 ingredients.  Potatoes. Oil. Salt.  And if you already have oil and salt, which most of you should, you only spend about $2 on potatoes and that's less than any bag of good potato chip out there.  It's a chip off the ol' block.  (I couldn't resist the obvious cliche).

The title of this blog goes out to 2 Skinnee J's and all their hilarity!!
    

 

X-Rated Stir Fry

Can we agree to agree on one thing?  Stir fry is some sexy food.  It's so colorful, tasty, spicy, sizzlin' hot.  It's full of differing flavors that come at you from all sides...you don't know whether to chew it, french kiss it, or call the cops on it for harassment.  And it's so pretty.  My particular stir fry reminded me of a Christmas tree.  The white rice symbolized the glowing white bulbs.  The green onion, jalapeno, cilantro and snap peas, were the actual tree and the red pepper and mushrooms...the ornaments.  Then you have the beef.  Mmm...the beef.  The beef is like the presents, the prize for being good boys and girls this year.

Marinade:
2 tbsp rice wine vinegar
5 tbsp soy sauce
1 tbsp honey
1 inch piece of peeled ginger, minced
2 cloves of minced garlic
1 tsp (or more if you want the X-rated version) of crushed red pepper

Whisk all these ingredients together and add thinly sliced beef to the marinade.  I used sirloin.  And here's a quick tip:  If you cut your meat while it's still slightly frozen, it's easier to thinly slice.  Cover and refrigerate for an hour or four.

Now here's the part that takes time.  It's like foreplay.  You have to spend time with it and give it some love before you get to eat it up!  You have to pick your meat and veggies and then slice them all how you want to eat them.  Here's mine: Sirloin Steak, Mushrooms, Red Bell Pepper, Green Onion, Ginger, Garlic, Jalapeno, Snap Peas, and Cilantro.  Once you get everyone in one place and chopped up in the shape and size you like, you're ready to turn up the heat!  Take your meat out of the marinade (giggity) and dry it off.  You don't want steamed meat.  You want fried meat!  Stir fried meat!  

Get a wok.  You don't have to use one, but you'll be a lot happier if you do.  Add 2 tablespoons of vegetable oil, 1 tablespoon of Sesame Oil and again, if you want the X-rated version, add in some Fire Oil.  Put this on high heat until it's just about to smoke (If you set your kitchen on fire, that's your own damn fault, don't sue me, I have nothing to give, unless a '98 Chevy Cavalier is something you're dying to have).  First add in your meat in small batches.  Don't overcrowd the wok or you'll steam the food.  Cook the meat for literally 1 minute and put it on a plate to the side.  Finish off all the meat in this fashion.

Next, cook the main veggies (you may have to add more vegetable oil for these next steps).  Mushrooms, Pepper and Snap Peas...if you use broccoli, put that in now, if you use carrots, same.  Cook for about 2-3 minutes, stirring often.  Then add in your aromatics.  Yep, I went all Food Network-y on ya with that term.  Aromatics = Your smelly good things.  Your ginger, garlic, green onion, jalapeno, and cilantro.  Cook for 1 minute and add the beef back in.  Cook for another minute.  This all happens really quick and you're working with high heat and smokin' hot oil...BE CAREFUL.  You need to perfect your octopus cooking moves for this one.  You need to SEEM like you have eight arms, but with the smoothness of merely having two.

Finally, take 1 tablespoon of corn starch and 2 tablespoons of water and mix together.  Add this at the very end stirring like an octopus to thicken any juices that form and to get all the tasty bits off the bottom of the wok.  Serve over noodles or rice or just eat the meat and veggies.  There's no wrong way.

This dish will make you want to chew your burps.  I mean it.

My Risotto's Totally Shroomin' Dude

I'm trying to expand my food knowledge, along with my palate.  So I've been scoping out odd and frightening foods whenever I am out and about.  While in East Memphis at the Fresh Market the other day, my eyes were drawn to a package of wild mushrooms.  The package consisted of French Horn, Chanterelle and Enokitake mushrooms.  Now I admit, mushrooms are a food that scare me.  I usually stick to the trusty old white button mushroom.  I have steered clear of portabellas ever since I decided to eat my first portabella sandwich, after a night of way too many Samuel's Adams Honey Porter beers during my WVU days.

Mushrooms, in general, are just weird.  They're a fungus.  I mean, it's kinda like, "Hey guys, wanna try the new Ringworm Wrap? I hear it's Awwwwwwesooooome!"  I kid.  But seriously, they are like cheese.  And I love cheese, but cheese can be scary.  It's stinky, its got mold on it.  But we eat it and love it.  But every once in a while, someone cuts the literal cheese and people go running!  Mushrooms, for me, are in the same boat, or should I say the same pile of poo??

Anyway, I dropped all my food fears on this one and went for it.  Of course the first thing that came to my mind was risotto, seeing as how it's been WAY too long since my last visit to Epcot's Le Cellier in Canada.  You have to call months in advance to eat there...probably because they have the best mushroom risotto I've ever eaten, not to mention delicious steaks! 

Here's what I did:
I simmered about 5 cups of chicken broth (you want to have warm broth).  I wiped off any dirt on the mushrooms and chopped them up.  Chopped up a shallot and 3 cloves of garlic and I sauteed these items in olive oil (about 2 tbsp's) and butter (2 tbsp's) in a large pot on medium heat.  Once everyone in the pot was soft and happy, I added 1 cup of Arborio Rice (you can't use Uncle Ben's when making Risotto.  Here's why) and stirred it around for about 2 minutes to cover each grain with olive oil, and butter and get it nice and toasty.  I then added in a cup of white wine.  Stir the wine and rice until there's almost no liquid left.  Then add in chicken broth...one cup at a time, stirring in the broth until it's almost gone, then add in the next cup.  This process takes about 25 minutes.  And the only way to really know when it's done (at least for me) is to try it.  It'll be really creamy!  When you get it to your desired consistency (I like mine with a little bite - al dente, per say) you're ready to add in a cup of Parmesan cheese, some chopped up thyme (about a tablespoon) and another pat of butter.

Now..... eat it VERY quickly, so that no one else gets any, because you aren't going to want to share!  And Fresh Market, WVU, Cook's Illustrated, Le Cellier and Epcot...I'll be awaiting my checks in the mail for the plugs!

Scrumptious Sammies and Barefoot Banter

I ripped this one off of Ina Garten.  Now, for those of you who don't know her, she's this little, round lady on Food Network that lives in the Hamptons.  She's got this show called Barefoot Contessa where she cooks meals for all her "jolly" friends and her dorky husband.  I'm not sure what a Contessa is, kinda reminds me of something you'd call a witch, but if I'd have to guess, simply by watching the show, a Contessa is a person who stongly believes in table settings!  I mean, seriously, this woman spends more time on making the table look good than she does on the food.

You know what I use for cloth napkins in my house?  A paper towel.  My plates don't match.  I have 5 white ones, 4 yellow ones and 4 green ones.  Kinda looks like someone threw up in my cabinet!  The only reason I have nice silverware is because of a wedding present from my inlaws.  For glassware...I have a bunch of stolen pint glasses from different bars and restaurants throughout the country (It's kinda my thing...sue me...that is, if you can catch me.)

But back to Ms. Ina.  I do have to admit, this woman can cook.  She's annoying as hell to listen to, mainly because she comes off as this snooty bitch in her little Hampton kitch, but girl can throw DOWN on some killer food.  And she's kinda my hero for saying Sayonara to her job as a White House nuclear policy analyst so that she could pursue her dream of being a cook, a self taught cook I might add.  Hell, I love you Ina.  So check her out, buy her cookbooks (which I own none of....hint, hint, family and friends), watch her show, etc.

But if you do only one thing Ina Garten, do this sandwich.  It's become a favorite! 

(Note: I didn't use pancetta, simply because I didn't have any, but I have used it and it's delicious.  I also don't use the sun-dried tomatoes, because those jerks give me awful heartburn.  It's a bitch to get older!  If you're in a hurry, you can use rotisserie chicken and it's just as good.  And the dressing for this sandwich would taste awesome on a tire.) ENJOY!!     

Quickie

Sometimes you just need to have a quickie.  You know...no frills, no thrills, just something to tide you over.  I'm talking about a quickie lunch, you perv.

This is my suggestion for a quickie:
Slice a piece or two of bread, drizzle it with olive oil, put it in a toaster oven or the actual oven at 400 degrees for about 8 minutes or until crunchy. Rub with a clove of raw garlic.

Next, slice some tomatoes and salt them.  Then, take some room-temperature goat cheese and put it in a bowl.  Add about a tablespoon of chopped rosemary and a pinch of salt and pepper to the cheese.

Spread the cheese on the toast, top with the tomato.

And there you have it, a quickie no one can complain about!

New Logo

Just wonderin' what ya'll think about my new logo!  I bent and photographed the fork all by myself!  So if you don't like it...you can go fork yourself!

I Want You...To Wonton Me

Twas a cold Memphis evening, and this Bitch in the Kitch,
had a craving for soup, so I scratched that itch. 
I went to the fridge, and that's where it dawned,
I had all of the fixings, for some good ol' wontons. (I can't help myself sometimes)

I had ground chicken that I needed to cook, but was tired of the usual fare.  So I bought some shrimp, and put the chicken, shrimp, 3 cloves of garlic, a big chunk of peeled ginger, crushed red pepper, scallions, soy sauce, chili oil, rice wine vinegar, and some brown sugar into a food processor, until I had a bowl full of mush.  Chunky mush though, not baby food mush.  Then I got out some wonton wrappers and filled them with a tablespoon or so of the mush, folded those puppies up, using water around the edges like glue.  They looked like this, surely not the traditional dumpling, but I'm not very well versed in Asian cooking, so whatever, haters.

 
Then I put a pot on the stove, added veggie and sesame oil, 5 smashed cloves of garlic, more ginger and crushed red pepper, chicken broth, sliced mushrooms and scallions and boiled them together for about 20 minutes.  Once I had made all my wontons (which takes FOREVER), I dropped them into the simmering soup until they floated.

It was great.  I was very proud of myself for just throwing it all together and coming up with a delicious soup in no time, but next time, I will add a lot more garlic, ginger, crushed red pepper and soy to the dumplings, because I think those little purses of pleasure lacked some serious flavor-flave.  

Happy Baa-aah-lentine's Day

Remember what happened last year?  Your flowers were dead in 3 days.  That box of candy you got?  It made your ass fat.  That nighty you went out and bought?  It doesn't fit you anymore because of that damned box of chocolate.

In my very tame and calm opinion...Valentine's day is harmful.  It puts so much stress and pressure on relationships.  Does a dozen roses really make you feel loved?  Does it confirm the happiness of your relationship?  Do we really have to go out and buy a bunch of pink and red shit to validate our love?  Do I really need a stuffed animal at my age?  No.  Do I want flowers?  I'd rather have a plant that I can kill on my own.   


You know what Valentine's Day is?  It's a fight waiting to happen.

I wish women would stop making this holiday such a big deal.  You're giving us all a bad rap.  If you want to do something nice for your significant other for Valentine's Day, I say Step Away from the Valentine's Day. You know what would be nice?  A day of love and romance you DIDN'T EXPECT!  A massage out of the blue.  A night on the town for no reason at all.  A day where your man walks in from work and you're cooking up dinner in a sexy teddy that isn't red NOR pink!

Put that in your Valentine's pipe and smoke it!

Shank You...Shank You Very Much

I'm always looking for interesting foods to try.  So on a visit to Costco the other day, I noticed something I had never seen in the meat section.  Veal shanks.  It was a pretty exciting discovery, since most of our local grocery stores never uncover anything interesting.  I usually go to Whole Foods or Fresh Market if I'm in the need for something exotic (though we do have a lot of cool International food markets in Memphis I need to check out).

I have no idea what to do with a veal shank.  The last time I ate veal, I was so disturbed by the fact that it was a baby cow, that I just never had an urge to try it again.  Until now.  And I must say...baby cow is yummy.  That's right PETA...I said it.  But don't get your panties in a bunch.  I, in no way, shape, or form, condone cruelty to animals.  But I am in love with peasant food.  I have a strange desire to eat like people used to eat in the old country.  From the land.  So although I don't have a calf farm, I still love to recreate dishes that I imagine were cooked for hours on end by old ladies with gray hair down to their butts.  Old ladies that would beat you to death with a wooden spoon if you ever questioned their cooking ability.  Mean ass old ladies.  The original bitches in the kitchen.

I've seen Osso Buco on many menus, so I gave it a whirl.  There are literally thousands of ways to cook it.  So I took ideas from a few different recipes, based on what I like, and recreated my own.  So if you're going to chastise me for not making this 100% authentic, please do, so I can laugh at you.  I never claim to be a chef...but a bitch??...now that's a different story.

~ 4 veal shanks (I tied mine with kitchen twine, but don't waste your time, 'cuz it'll still taste fine, if you leave that step behind...yes, that all rhymed).
~ Flour
~ Salt & Pepper
~ 4 tbsp. of Olive Oil and 1 tbsp. of butter
~ Small Onion, diced
~ 2 carrots, diced
~ 2 stalks of celery, diced
~ 4 cloves of garlic, minced  
~ 1 cup of white wine
~ 2 cups of chicken stock (I used homemade, because I'm cool like that, but store bought will be just fine).
~ 2 sprigs of rosemary, 2 sprigs of thyme and a handful of parsley

Preheat oven to 350.  Pat the shanks dry and salt and pepper generously.  Flour both sides of the shanks and pat off excess.  Heat butter and olive oil over medium heat until very hot.  Brown the veal shanks on both sides (about 6-8 minutes per side).  Remove shanks.  Add in onion, celery and carrot and cook for about 6 minutes until tender.  Add in garlic and cook for another minute.  Add in wine and scrape up all the bits of badness (and by badness I mean goodness).  Cook for about 5 minutes, reducing the sauce by half.  Add in chicken stock until shanks are just about covered.  Add in herbs and cover pot.  Place in oven for 1 1/2 hours.  Check it every 30 minutes to make sure your liquid isn't evaporating too quickly and add more if it is.  You'll know it's done when the meat is fork tender.

This dish is traditionally served with risotto or polenta and I just so happened to have polenta, so that's what I served it with.  I sauteed the polenta cakes in olive oil and grated some Parmesan cheese on top.  Then I put a shank on top of the polenta and added some of the juice.  I also sprinkled it with a bit of gremolata to keep it more on the traditional side. 

So, cheers to you, baby cow.  Oh wait, you're not even old enough to drink yet!  Ok then, word to ya Moo-ther!??  Ok, I'm going to just end on that stupid joke :-)

Chick-a-Peas

Last night, I found myself a little hungry.  I wasn't in the mood to cook a big meal.  Just wanted something to tide me over for the rest of the night.  So I looked in the fridge...found nothing.  Looked in the pantry...jack.  Looked in the cabinet...threw away a bunch of stale boxes of Triscuits, and some La Choy, Chow Mein noodles.  Moved around a bunch of cans of food I was tortured with by babysitters as a child (that's right...Cream of Mushroom Soup...great punishment for a kid).  Then I found a can of Chickpeas.  You know, chickpeas.  The heart and soul of hummus.  And I remembered seeing someone, somewhere, roast them until they became crunchy.  And if you know me, I have this thing about me where I love crunchy food.  Anything that threatens to break my teeth while eating it, count me in.  Must be part of my caveman instinct.  I never have claimed to be a girly, girl.  And so I decided to make this for dinner.* (Refer to warning at the bottom of this page).

So back to this recipe.  It's easy as hell.  Why do people say that?  Hell isn't supposed to be easy.  If it were, we'd all be trying our damndest to be damned to hell.  It's easy as pie.  Pie isn't easy either.  At least for this non-baker.  It's easy as sliced bread.  I once almost lost a finger slicing bread.  It's easy like Sunday morning.  Unless of course you raged like a rockstar on Saturday night, then Sunday morning can be VERY difficult.  It's easy as 1, 2, 3.  Yeah...even this mathematically challenged girl can do 1, 2, 3!!!  Here's the recipe:

Preheat your oven to 450 degrees
Open a can of chickpeas, and drain them (don't rinse them)
Dry off the chickpeas very well with a paper towel
Put the chickpeas on a baking pan with a rim, so you don't have a chickpea party in your oven
Pour about 1 tablespoon of olive oil over the chickpeas and rub them around to coat them
Add salt and pepper and cayenne
Rub the spices into the chickpeas and place them in the oven
Check them every 20 minutes and shake 'em around so they don't burn
Let them roast for about 40 minutes (make sure to check them frequently so they don't burn, because they can very easily do so).
Take them out of the oven when they are brown and crispy and let them rest for 5 minutes
Then...pop those suckers into your mouth.  They remind me a lot of those wasabi peas.

 *Warning ~ I do not suggest making this your entire dinner.  Use this recipe for snacking at a party.  These bad boys pack in 16% of your daily fiber intake.  I learned the hard way that eating an entire can of chickpeas may be one of the best colon cleansing foods around!!  Again, I never claimed to be a girly, girl!

Food Faux Pas

Hi, my name is Jessica Halliday, and I am a food snob.  And damn proud of it.  It's not easy being a food snob.  I snub my nose up to chain restaurants, electric stoves, canned foods like chili, bagged meats like pot roast.  I realize that a mother of 3 with a full-time job (hell, just a mother of 1 alone) will often choose convenience over freshness.  But since I am not a mother of 3, nor do I have a full-time job, I can say all this stuff and not feel the least bit guilty about it!  Because I am a Bitch 'n the Kitchen, and that's how I do.

Last night, I was at my beautiful friend Natalie's house, watching her cook dinner.  Now I love me some Natalie, but I had to scold her on few of the items she had in her fridge.  And here they are:

 
I realize this is convenient.  But if you've ever cooked with this garlic, you MUST taste the bitterness of it.  It just doesn't have the right garlicky taste that I love so much!  It doesn't even smell right. How hard is it to buy some garlic and mince it up?  You can even do it with one of those handy garlic presses so you don't smell like garlic all day (though I prefer that to any perfume).

Here was my next annoyance:

 

Yep.  Margarine.  It's not THAT much better for you, yet tastes THAT much unlike the real deal...Butter.  Butter is just better, people.  There's no denying it.  I sometimes use butter as lip gloss when I'm out!  (I'm not kidding). Name a noted chef that uses Margarine and I'll eat an entire stick of that crap.

Which brings me to my next jar of crap. 

I'm sorry, but I don't eat anything that is drowning in urine.  Try these instead, you can find them by the lunch meat in your grocery store. 

And finally, this (which Natalie pointed out to me, so she may have a little food snob in her too):

Grate your own Parmesan cheese.  It will taste SOOOOO much better!  And in the end, it will save you SOOO much money.

Now, I have to say, regardless of her few bad choices at the grocery store.  Natalie did make a mean ass pasta dinner.

Just like my ancestors (in another life) would have made.  I swear I was Italian in a past life. 

So there you have it.  Some of the many things I am a food snob about.  What are you a food snob about??

Just Sayin...

If you have one of these in your fridge and/or cabinet....we can no longer be friends.  Go buy a friggin' lemon for cryin' out loud.

 

Photo from Google Images

Pleaser Caesar

So lately I've been eating a lot of salad for lunch.  Trying to keep this 34-year-old girlish figure, ya know?  Somebody's got to keep up with that bitch Reese Witherspoon.  (Just kiddin' Reesie Piecy...you know I love you, especially in that movie Freeway).

Mr. Caesar Salad.  Oh, Mr. Caesar Salad.  If you only could be good everywhere I order you.  I've had my share of horrific Caesar Salads.  Soggy breadcrumbs, wilted Romaine, drowning in dressing that tastes straight out of a jar, chicken that is directly out of the freezer, microwaved, and is questionable on whether or not it's really even chicken.  I've had a lot of depressing lunch dates with Mr. Caesar.  So the other day when I was craving one, I decided to not be stood up by that bastard of a salad anymore.  I was going to make my own, one that was a perfect match, like Weird Science.  Here's what I did:

I bought some REAL chicken breasts from the store.  Chicken that may have at one time been frozen, but wasn't when I bought it.  Don't trust any other chicken.  I then beat the crap out of said chicken breast because I was having a bad day.  Not really...I just wanted it to cook quickly, so I took my meat mallet (giggity) to it to thin it out a little.  I then seasoned it with salt & pepper and garlic powder.  Then I cooked it in olive oil on medium high for about 4 minutes per side.  When it was finished, I put it on a plate to let it chill while I made the salad.

In my food processor, I put (ok, pardon the measurements) about a tablespoon of Dijon mustard, another tablespoon of anchovy paste, 3 cloves of chopped garlic, the juice from 1/2 a lemon (you can add more or less depending on how much you like lemon), a splash of Worcestershire sauce, 1 raw egg yolk and salt and pepper.  Then you turn that sucker on high and drizzle in a stream of olive oil (a good one, not something you bought for $4), about 1/4 to 1/2 a cup until it starts to emulsify (which is just a fancy term for coming together, you'll know when it's right).

Taste it and add lemon or salt or pepper or more garlic, whatever it needs to taste good to you.  Cooking is all about what YOU like.  And how hard can that be?  Add the dressing to some clean, chopped Romaine (grilled Romaine is even better, try it sometime) and add in your own, or some sort of bagged/boxed crouton that you like.  Cut up the chicken and there you have it.  A Caesar good enough to take home to your mom and dad.
  

 

I'm not down with OPP, OPE, OPT or OPC

This is one of those things about me that I can't fully explain, but I'm going to do my best.  OPP = Other People's Potato Salad.  OPE = Other People's Egg Salad.  OPT = Other People's Tuna Salad and obviously OPC = Other People's Chicken Salad. 

I can't eat other people's salads.  Freaks me out.  Maybe it's because there's no telling how you make yours.  I have no idea what you put in it.  And I don't like not knowing what's going inside of me!  Maybe it's the sound of these salads as they are being stirred.  That sound has always made me a little uneasy.  But I prefer to be in charge of that sound.  I don't want to eat your sound.  Maybe it's because of the way they look.  All mashed together like no one really even tried to make them look pretty.  Maybe I should change my blog to "Lunatic in the Kitchen".

To-MAY-to, To-MAH-to

This my friends is what a tomato should look like.  That is all.

Carbonara-U-Kidding Me?

Easiest food to make with things I ALWAYS have on hand.  Who doesn't always have eggs, spaghetti, Parmesan cheese, pepper, salt, garlic, parsley and bacon on hand.  If you don't, well, I just don't understand you. 

Ok, so I here's my only disclaimer.  This has raw eggs in it.  They get cooked enough from the heat from the spaghetti, but if you've got a bun in the oven...wait until you pop that sucker out to try this.  And if you are sick in any way...GET BETTER, so that you CAN try this.

So here's where it gets a little complicated.  You have to multi-task like a mo' fo'.  You have to be cooking the spaghetti and have it timed perfectly so that when you add the sauce to it, it's hot enough to cook those eggs!  So here's the easiest way for me to get it all done right.

Chop the garlic (3 cloves)
Chop the parsley (a handful - this is a very technical term, I know)
Cut the bacon in to small cubes (four slices)
Grate 1 1/2 cups of Parmesan (don't dare use the canned stuff...that is not Parmesan)
Crack 2 eggs into a bowl
Whisk Eggs & Parmesan together & add a ton of pepper (ton - another technical term) and a little bit o' salt (Parmesan is salty enough).  Now taste it...just kidding...it's got raw eggs in it, silly! 

Cook pasta as usual.  I use a good, wait for it...handful.  Add it to a pot of boiling, salted water.  

Get a large skillet and cook the bacon until crisp.  Add the garlic and stir until it makes your house smell delicious.  (by this time your pasta should be done)

Drain the pasta, saving some of the pasta water for later.  The second your pasta is drained, add it to the skillet with the bacon and garlic and toss it around to coat it. 

Now here's where you gotta work quick.  You must add the Parmesan/egg mixture into the pasta, stirring like a mad woman/man so as to not scramble your eggs.  If the mixture is a little too thick, add in some of the pasta water until everything is smooth.  Add in the parsley and mix it all together one last time.     

Now plate it up and eat that yummy stuff!